So what's it gonna be? All smiles and fake? All the pretending can't undo most things.

I am leaving for Nepal tomorrow at dawn and while I must say I will miss a few special people, I hope it'll be good chance for me to find myself again. I need the peace and the calm, away from busy city life to help me find a sense of what it is to be put in this world. I've realized that is possible that being away from people besides my family is what is going to help me reach my peak again, just like where I once was.

Despite what I've said about losing my fighting spirit, I really feel that Nat is the only friend I'd truly fight for, and faith will tie us together to preserve this lovely, special friendship.

Attraction

To me there are two kinds of beauty, I think.

One is the in-your-face kind, the one that takes your breath away the first time you set your eyes on them, with features set so stark and sharp and melts a couple hundred hearts. The common good looks.With an air of grace and elegance that surrounds them; they are so sure, so confident, so proud of their looks. But it fades the more you stare at them, makes you realize they appear ordinary in fact, there's nothing remotely special or interesting nor unconventional about the way their face has been molded- until the next time you see them again.

The second is the more endearing kind. The plain Janes. The kind you'd never notice or think much of if you ever walked past them. Most wouldn't give a second glance, and that's the beauty of it. It takes that one person to look at them from afar, notice how their face lights up with a transcendent glow whenever they smile or laugh; the kind of beauty that grows the more you look at them- they get more and more beautiful the more you see them- and they don't ever realize how mesmerizing they actually are to the eyes of the onlookers who stopped to watch them bloom.

Hell.

The past week has been ultimate hell. I actually thought Monday would turn out good, but it ended in tears and swearing and in a span of 5 days I have come to realize where my faith lies in such extreme circumstances. The series of events have taken an incredibly huge toll on me and I am exhausted, I really, truly am. I know it was selfish of me to think that God must hate me, because all these are just trials and he is testing me for a better good. But I cannot see where this is going. I have been doing so badly in class, my focus has dwindled, everything has been so affected badly and I really don't know what to do. I know that with such a tribulation I should be thankful because it is supposed to bring me closer to God, but I am just so angry and sad and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I am furious at myself and I am lost. There is nobody to blame but myself, and every event that turns out that seems to shine with a glimmer of hope eventually comes along with a new set of problems, why is this happening? I honestly feel so helpless every single day, I'm too exhausted to fight anymore, I think I am just going to give up and I just want this nightmare to end.

mess

For about a week I've been thinking about what to write. I keep putting writing off, having a thought and then hastily pushing it to the back of my mind, or having it developing into something deep and profound, turning the thought in my head and then waving it off again. sigh. As a result, my brain has been pretty cluttered up and sometimes I feel lost, among other things. So where do I start?

Happiness. It doesn't last, obviously. Lately I've been laughing at a lot of things, and the rather strange thing is that I don't feel the way I should. It's almost as if the hollower I feel, the more I laugh like it's a reflex- my mind's way of  trying to fill me up. I laugh too much and even when I shouldn't; the stupidest things make me giggle even when it isn't funny at all. But it'll pass, I hope.

Another thing I've been thinking about is how I have this tendency to speak too soon. "Famous last words" is really rather highly applicable to my life. What's new, huh. Everyone is just going to prove me wrong even when I think well or highly of them. At the tip of my mind is a list of people who've turned out to be the exact opposite of who I've perceived them to be.

1.) Just because someone calls you and everyone by really sweet terms doesn't necessarily make them nice. You end up watching them and realizing they don't actually care about people around them and they're pretty much fake. I've shivered with anger when I see how people like them pretend to care for their own selfish reasons, so they don't look lonely. As long as it seems like a direct affront to them they take things too personally and then it sickens me when they try to look like some sort of victim when I actually agree they deserve shit. Friends? Lol at your entire existence.

2.) I wish I never did put up with you the first time we met because now I'm obliged to be nice and polite to you all the stupid frickin time. Funny? You're shit. Annoying. I hate having to pretend I'm ok with someone and that I like them. I either hate you or I don't and will ignore you accordingly. Gosh, I am such a walking contradiction I go against my own principles. I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore.

3.) Dammit is it like some kind of inborn need to hear yourself talk all the frickin time? What you did  was just rude, crass and unprofessional and if you pride yourself for it, it tells a lot about who you are. Let's get this straight- no matter how bright or smart you are, being rude and arrogant will never do justice to your IQ. If you really look highly on yourself for being super clever, shit attitude just doesn't cut it and lack of good character is just another way to show lack of knowledge. So, you don't actually have it all.

4.) You want all eyes on you and you just crave attention, don't you? Oh, you love it when you tell people everything about yourself  but I know you don't give two shits when people talk to you about themselves. You can't stand looking lonely. Evidently, image is all that matters to you :-)

5.) Don't talk to me only when you need something. I was never a "priority" to you, so please, solve your own problems.

Something else I feel very uncomfortable with, almost to the verge of hate- when people say "ohmigosh I have missed you so so so much!!!1!!! meet soon ok?"
I hate it because the meet ups never happen.  Always the fleeting bumping into and then the ((fake)) gushing and the ((empty)) promises that we'll see each other again for lunch, or some outing or whatever. It never happens. I have not met some of my secondary school friends for nearly a year. Admittedly, I have always wanted an escape, but I have never felt the obligation to meet with them again. Why can't friends who bump into each other, who haven't seen each other in ages just give each other a great big hug, exclaim that we haven't seen each other in a long time, then just admit that we will not have time for each other again. It's better, okay. It stings, but at least it's true and nobody has to fulfill any sort of obligation to reluctantly meet up, and no expectations are built on empty, hastily generalized words.

I really don't know how to end this post properly, because I honestly just regurgitated everything that's been hogging my mind and I needed to clear it all. I hope I post again tomorrow, but whatever nobody reads this shit anyway.

“What’s it like when you see him?”

It feels like this:

I choke on my words as if someone just rammed five rocks down my throat

I stutter like mad, like someone tied little bells on each of my teeth

When I do manage to talk, my voice either lowers or raises an octave.

Plus I have to swallow. Many,  many times.

My heart shuttles back and forth, hurtling against my chest (My ribcage) at what feels like 10 million miles a second. It hurts.

My pulse speeds up, like my veins are about to burst from the sudden rush of blood, you’d probably see a bulging vein on my wrist

I feel like I’ve gotten absolutely warm all over; my cheeks turn hot, I see red and orange and sometimes maybe pink

I can’t breathe.

My fingers lose their grip on everything, or they flutter about uselessly

I turn away from you, I don’t face you when you’re right in front of me

I’m too nervous to smile. When I do, it feels like someone forcefully peeled my lips back, tacked them to my upper and lower lips.

My knees literally go all weak. It sounds cliché but it’s true as heck

I leave for a while so I can regain my composure and try to stop the shaking in my hands

|Then I look at you and you look at me and we pretend, because all there is, is pretending.|

"What do you suffer from?" "Guilt."

You ask why I'm so quiet.
Maybe you think, "I don't want you to look at me and think of my dad dying."
But I can't ok. Pretending is what I claim to do but in circumstances like these I just can't. I 'd rather be silent than engage in small, banal talk.

I know you hate it and you think I'm pitying you but I'm not. I'm not. All there is, is guilt. That's it. I've left people way too many times, and I'm not going to leave you. I'm trying hard to make it up to you, to be there for you. I'm learning.
What breaks my heart the most is imagining you cry yourself to sleep. Out of everything that's what I think of  the most. And again, guilt. Because I couldn't be there for you at such a point in time. But I am not your pity party.

Like a rock shoved through my abdomen, that's what it felt. Hollowed me out and pushed the tears out, made them trickle down my rather pathetic face.

Like the weirdest sensation of nothingness; neither happy nor sad, just this persistent cold, numb feeling.

Like a wave washed over me and took with it a collection of my emotions. "I'll come back soon," it seems to say but it breaks out in a whisper, broken down by the sea.

Like a tree swaying forlornly in the wind. As birds fly by. As cars speed past. As people dance past. As if that was all to ever live for.

Nobody knows how long I wait and how sharp I look out and how my hopes are heightened, every single time, at the mention of your name. They never recognize that far off look when I stare at you from a distance. They will never know how every thread that used to bind us rips terribly painfully apart each step you take away.

But I liked you. I really, really did.

So yesterday I went to visit Nat.

I didn’t know how to feel, actually, seeing her smile so widely like as if she were receiving us on her birthday. “You came!” she gushed, with powder on her cheeks and her hair swept to the side, in a lovely simple green baju kurung.

I don’t know why but seeing her smile her big smile made me feel really sad inside. It was as if her face was bursting from the strain. So wide. Too wide. Maybe for the sake of her mother, who was frail looking and small, as if overnight she decided she had to put up this front, this happy façade -sudden change from her persistent serious face. Maybe she cries at night. Maybe I’m thinking too much.

I still really hope for the best for her. It’ll be okay, she’ll be okay.((btw her birthday is in 6 minutes))

Didn't think to update, but I'll start.
Brief happiness last Friday when I finally had a reunion with my DPA mates. It was just a talk, but we made use of it to catch up. I swear my heart was just bursting with joy when I looked around the lecture room and I remembered the very first day we were sitting in that room, quiet and shy and unspeaking. Oh, how different it was from Friday- we were all so very excited to see each other together after months and Mo exclaimed, "woah...everybody changed so much!" Yes they all did. (we all remember when Mo tricked us all into thinking she was a guy until someone pointed out she was wearing a bra a week later). I felt like a proud mom hahaha.
I'm glad not everyone rushed off, we stayed and talked and took photos. I'd forgotten how much I missed them all,  a special kind of searing kind of miss. Warm laughter all around and teasing and jostling and faces and real-ness. So much hope and warmth and tender care, symbols that showed we all shared a special friendship that would never break, no matter how many more friends we all made or ventured off to find ourselves, my dpa mates hold solace.

A break from the uneasiness.

I wonder how you're doing, Nat. I want to text you every single day, but I know I have to give you space as well. I'm trying. I don't know what to do except give a listening ear should you need it, a hug should you silently ask for one, and full fledged understanding. I'll try. I promised I would. I miss you, I really do. Funny how we didn't see each other for 6 weeks and only now I'm saying I miss you. I'm so afraid you might never smile again, although you always have a serious face on, I worry sick you may never laugh again. I want to be there for you and I hope you understand that I am trying to understand.

It'll be okay.

I will do it all for you.

I'm a pretty lousy friend, but this time, for once I will not leave. This time I'll stick. I promise. I am going to do as much as I can to help you pull through this difficult period of time. It pains me so much when I think of your face crumpling not in laughter, but in complete sadness, tears flowing uncontrollably, your heart shattered into pieces. I think of you in that state and I cry and cry and cry because you are my parallel. We've always laughed together and made stupid jokes of the same frequency. Yet we can still carry a solid, serious conversation and maybe I never told you this, maybe I never showed it, but you mean so much to me.

Never miss an opportunity to tell the ones you love how much they mean to you because one day they'll be gone, just like that, and you would never have had the opportunity to say what's in your heart. It's scary how sudden things happen. Just on Tuesday you and me were having lunch together and talking about stuff, laughing and catching up a little after not really hanging out for a while. You looked so pretty that day. And then Wednesday you didn't come and I never asked you why, I feel so guilty for that. I should have asked you why.

Allah always gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and I know you will believe it in time to come. Because you are strong. I know it in my heart.Pick yourself up and carry on and I will help you. I will help you. Things will never be the same again, but I pray for you and the rest of your family. I wish you all the best. We're always hardly serious and doing stupid teasing but I pray to God you and your mother pull through. I love you.


For Natasha.

I am so afraid of the thought of losing you to those shit punks who think they know you so well. They don't know what I know, never shared what we shared. They're just shallow snots who don't know a damn thing and I cannot, must not lose you to them.

ok you little shit

I'm not jealous ok I'm just ugh just stay away from him don't talk to him screw you uGH

Ugh have you ever met anyone so infuriatingly....polite? Like they're nice  and all but there's something about their words that oozes something sinister, as if they're making fun of you in a subtle manner. Then when you burst out in exasperation all they do is chuckle and smile that nice polite smile of theirs and make you feel stupid and dumb and blur all at once.
Then they look at you expectantly like you're supposed to know certain things and they frickin nod and smile at you like some shrink who doesn't give a shit about anything you have to say but still they put on this nice, polite front. And when you try to speak louder to them they correct you like as if to say, "oh I can't be wrong You're wrong." In this stupid calm manner.
Like all the things they're hinting behind their furiously irritating grin and the slight smug look in all their politeness is a direct affront to your helplessness.

Yeah well the staff at RP's One Stop Centre are like that. Shit ok.

You make me think of you

When I see you, I die a little inside because in that moment, something crumbles in me and each piece that breaks away is a shard of something I can't quite place because when I see you I die a little inside, when I see you I feel happy and sad and angry and empty and lost all at the same time. When I look at you and you look at me and words find no place to weave into the silence, I die a little inside.

I don't miss you, I miss having something to latch onto I fiercely tell myself. Maybe it isn't true.When you walk by me there is always  this intense ripping sensation within me, like a raging claw scratching me hollow. I am not so used to not having you around, all the time, everyday. I look at the silhouette of lamp posts against the black sky at night when I go home and I think of you. I look at the quivering branches of trees as the bus speeds past and I think of time flashing by like that, with you, thinking of you. I feel the blood rushing under my skin when I challenge myself in a daily obstacle and I think of you. Skim my eyes past a muddied puddle of water, and I think of you; for aren't we bounded by distance, by delusion, by pretending?

You make me nervous, that's what I conclude. Make my hands tremble and my eyes flicker past yours and my voice shake and my heart ram against my chest at like a million beats a second.

I don't have to endure all this, I really don't. But I can't stop this niggling at the back of my mind that you reduce me to some state that dampens my bloom.


You make me nervous.

I am just really annoyed at myself I think.

Obviously I haven't gotten over you because I still find it so hard to look you in the eye for more than a second. I was half hoping I wouldn't get to see you because I was so afraid all the feelings would come rushing back and I couldn't let that break me.

Pretending is what I do.

Which is why I reacted so coldly when you called my name to say hi, something I dreaded yet willed. Maybe I shouldn't have been so distant. I should have given you a wider smile, a bigger wave, a longer look instead of just glancing briefly at you and waving impatiently back, smiling less than half heartedly. Maybe I should have.

I don't know how I was supposed to feel when I heard you say "what was that?" to my back after the exchange. Surprised maybe? That I've managed to untangle myself  from the clutches of your subtle manipulation? Or a little sad that I can't bring myself to talk to you like a friend anymore? You just don't realize that everything you do impacts me emotionally in magnitudes of hundreds. This coldness must be my shield. Pretending is going to help me; string me up tight so I don't lose myself like I did, when we were in such close proximity.

21/9/13

You were nothing

To say the least

Just a blank canvas of which

I

Poured my desires

My longing

To love someone

To have my heart attached to

I

Painted a picture from memories

All the small things like

Seeing you that day at the café

And the way you stared at me

Although we had never even met

All those constant glances

When we finally became “friends”

All the deep stares across the room

I

Collected each gaze

And put them in this lovely little

Glass jar

Poured them on the canvas

Each time creating a myriad of desire

A thread of expectation

Each time we’d laugh

I’d

Pluck those moments and

Lay them on the canvas

And when you hummed

Or sang

To your favorite song

I’d

Offer my paintbrush and stir it

Through your voice

And so very gently

Drop it onto the canvas

….

It wasn't always you, it was me actually. Forced your favorite bands, forced our similarities, tried to like what you loved, tried to be what you liked, tried to ignore every one of your flaws; your arrogance and narcissism and nonchalance and selfishness. Every time a promise of ugly showed up I’d close my eyes and remembered the way you looked right at me that day at the café. It was the only thing that made me cling so tight, the hard coat of gloss that completed and finalized the painted canvas.

It was nothing of you. It was all of me. All that I wanted. You were just a blank canvas of which I poured my longings onto.

|This was written on one of my smarter moments. Smarter in the sense that I could pick out this mass of emotions and finally articulate this complexity but with sad, bitter honesty. Tbh, when I read  it again I felt a massive wave of sadness wash over me. Out of all the things I'd written about the whole thing, this in fact, was the saddest. And well, I hope it'll be the last post to wrap up and I can finally forget all this nonsense and just move on because there is more to life than just clinging hopelessly onto some other nonchalant entity. There is always that longing, you know? That constant ache to attach yourself to something that promises so much more. I've wasted far too many feelings, but there is a rush you get out of it.

Here's to my emotional betterment, and yours and to all like me. The new school semester is going to be a great one. Cheerios to all of you :-)|

What i would really like to do is to have anyone, literally frickin anyone who'd write poetry with me and then we'd leave it in between pages of library books or tape them to staircases or doors or the sides of chairs.

Hope fervently that it would cause a sporadic effect of words and make a person's day.

I wish.

20/9/13

The blood of the youths run

luminous  through the night

Pulses with passion

Races with heartache

And desperate to fill the lonesome

Desire flows in the night air

And the moon,

The moon it stays white and pure

And it watches all of these things

The youths think they have to endure

Mindless fun for some

Sore pulled strings for some

So close yet so far?

Is this who we are?

Beyond the late night adrenaline

Are streams of pretending

The darkness enwraps us all

In a blanket of delusion

I'm sorry I cant finish this it just seems so senseless idk I really just don't know ugh so much lack of  inspiration I never usually post poetry unfinished but whatever man I can't think I'm so lost

13/9/13

Weaving through the seams of people who all had a sense of direction; seeing everybody laughing aggravated me inside and I’d just go home after my tests, plugged into my music, avoiding people and hoping I wouldn't bump into anyone I know.

I saw you one of those days and you did a double take at me that lifted something in me, tugged at the corners of my lips and made me smile, just a little.

We were waiting at the lifts, not one word exchanged.

“Alright then, this is it. I am not going to see you again.”

And that was it. That day was enough to fill me up, it made me feel a little strange within but I felt less than hollow. It was enough. I hadn't expected much.

1/9/13.

My feelings come in now because my mind is just this spangled mass of thoughts. I ache every day since the last day I saw you. I look out for people and I compare them with you. All the time I think, ”he walks just like you do,” or “he carries a bag just like you do,” and “he talks just like you do.” I am so very afraid that someone else is going to fall for you, hard, just like I have. Maybe even harder. And what would be worse? You fall too. You think they’re right for you. The stupidest thing of all is that I cling on to this image of you because I actually don’t really have anyone else. Everyone has that one closest friend they tell everything to. I don’t. Because right from start, before school started, I told myself I wouldn't need one. You’re like this treasure chest, this blank canvas that I pour my heart into. All my accumulated feelings of falling in love and being deeply enigmatic, I channel them to you and I long for them to be kept with you, tightly sealed in you, this vessel. Most of the time I am so very sure “you” are this image I paint with my memories which I address. It’s so frustrating, it aches, I can’t even explain this strange phenomena.

27/8/13.

There are reasons why I am pretty much satisfied with the thought that we’ll be changing classes. There are people that I just cannot stand, and having their big mouths impeding upon my potential dampens my mood nearly every day. It prevents me from really outshining the rest. I hope the second semester will help me ignite my passion and remind me why I chose this course again. There are people that I learn from too. How is it that people are so passionate and disciplined that they are able to take the lead and herd the rest of the team members into facading excellence?

And then there's you. Seen way before school officially started. All these weeks of pretending have catapulted me no-where. It is funny how I cling onto his image to define my longing of falling in love. Maybe nobody sees it how I do. Maybe everyone else is way too blind to bear witness of these two entities stealing glances and teasing and closeness. At first I was the one who claimed my falling and thus it proved another example of people laughing with distaste at my choices.Well, hasn't it always been this way? People always making fun of my decisions or the one that exudes this pull on my heart?  Let me be honest, I do move on pretty fast as long as you’re not constantly in my face. It has happened, I will not deny it. And maybe that’s why my human attachments with people never truly last.

And the moments when nobody else noticed but me. I never understood what I  wanted, and maybe you didn't too. And all the moments of ignoring, after we engulfed ourselves in tingles from our companionship; your breath on my shoulders, my eyes on you.

25/8/13.

Where you stand.

You are this untouchable tower

of which I

twirl my fine, unsaid words around you.

Coiled around your every curve

Fitting in all your lines,

whispers so faint you don't know I am speaking

Intertwined into clouds of invisible words

For you, I fell so hard

Uncountable crossing lines

In all the silver instances

Pretending you were mine.

24/8/13 ignite

"I think maybe I know why people enjoy loud, rock music so much; they lose themselves for a while,  and they’re so immersed in the music- sometimes even, the screams unleash and reflect their own emotions and they all leave the place very much detoxed, it’s amazing. I’m definitely going for ignite next year, same old spot in the grass, watching the scene and bopping my head to my own rhythm. It’s almost like I really belong there- Like all the other maybe empty souls, we’re there to show our appreciation for indie rock and passion and in that sense we feel connected and whole, it's a release, an escape that promises euphoria."

|These were just my thoughts when I went to ignite! this year and it remained with me for sometime because there was something rather chilling in a strange, different way about the whole experience. I  also decided to write this as a break from the very rather moody rants|

23/8/13.

I feel like pouring my heart out for something. All I ever frickin think about these days is you. The yearning is so deep, so intense, it cuts messily through the tangled muscle surrounding my beating heart, leaves me jagged and near insane. All I think about is you. It’s always the way you look right at me, right into my eyes; every time I look straight back at you I’m lost in your big brown eyes. I can’t. I could cry, it rips me apart when I immerse myself in your gaze. Our time is ending and we have so much more to cover. All these weeks of pretending have hollowed me out until there’s nothing left but a constant aching desire for you.

I’d like to think you always have something to say to me. Our time is running out. It’s ridiculous how  I’ve fallen for someone who has the beautiful features of which God has bestowed upon. With those eyes, you fill them in with your soul. Yet you still remain a mystery. You infuriate me, but sometimes you make me tingle all over with just your breath on my shoulders. And the way you stare-oh boy, those eyes when you look at me, is as if you knew all the discomfort and uneasiness and jitteriness  I  feel whenever you’re around. I know- maybe that is what you want to tell me. What’s funny is that you don’t even offer protection. You’re the type who’d stand and watch, but you wouldn’t stop to care. Yet I still fall so hard.

I love seeing you laugh whenever I do stupid things. Everyone else could be laughing, but it’s only you that I watch. What makes my heart  latch onto yours- I could never explain in words, but it leaves me in a confused mess, a terrified lump of longing. If only someone else saw the signs, they could be witness. It wouldn’t just be me catching your intense gaze. Then someone else would notice. And then I will know it’s real.

Only my father- he sits there pretending to be asleep and ignoring my mother wailing in front of him. Only my father.

This blank facade is slowing molting into hot red furiosity. I can feel it building up in me and threatening to erupt.

Restlessness.
shit.

ANYWAY (I just edited this because it seemed nearly socially unacceptable to post more than 3 posts in an hour)

I just found a few poems and other things I'd written on my laptop that I never ever thought of posting but I suppose I really should have although you might be quite sick of my teenage ramblings and it's mainly about this one person. So I guess starting tomorrow I'll post them one a day although they may seem a little too soul baring but I do want it to be read but I know people don't actually but never mind. (as you can see my anger has subsided thus is a hormonal teen)

School...?

So school is starting in about a week's time and... I'm excited I suppose, for a new regime to start, something to occupy me so I don't sit and dwell over things that could have been.

But I am also scared. Somewhere deep, hidden in the crevices of my mind was a hope that I wouldn't be in the same class as anybody I know. Then I wouldn't have to put up with fake laughter everyday and crack stupid jokes to prove...well to prove I don't even know what. Do you find it rather annoying that I have to turn everything simple into something wayward complex? Because I do. But I can't seem to free myself from the clutches of intricacy. It's almost as if I thirst to intertwine myself into weaves of unfathomable thoughts and ideas. It drives me crazy.

I saw myself walking to school on my own, having lunch on my own, roaming the school corridors and library on my own and keeping to myself and not divulging in unnecessary banter. And I liked it. I liked seeing myself almost tasting my individuality not defined by anyone else, not having to go through the rigors of "girl talks" and giggling incessantly at boys and what not.
     
But somewhere at the back of my mind I know myself this is almost morally wrong to yearn for this "freedom" when I know that I've been put in the same class as parallels to myself. I know. I've been caught up in a tailspin of morbid pretending again and putting up with all of this because it is what is expected of me.Of everyone watching and quick to point out partners.

Do you frickin understand?

It's so frustrating when what I've secretly longed for years- a parallel- is presented to me like a gift and then I try to shun them away just because of my own selfish reasons. Lack of trust. Knowing fully I will never ever be able to pour out my heart to anybody again. Stupid selfish expectations of people. The medal of individuality and solitude. Selfish. So selfish. I am a selfish, immature 17 year old ungrateful unthinking brat.

But I am not saying it just for the sake of it when I say I have lack of trust. The first semester has already shown me how you can trust someone with every inch of your being and then having your heart ripped out through your chest and watching them slice it cleanly with a cleaver rusted with their black lies.

I've had enough.

Perhaps I can hardly wait.

We were placed at such close propinquity and now I have to face the fact that we have been designed to be flung away far from each other, to be ripped fully apart from the threads that held our complex differences together. While time will fade our old conversations, pretending is only going to harden the discretion.

All is well, I think, while I let that thought turn around in my head. Goodbyes sometimes aren’t all that bad. Anymore of your enigma would have been the death of me.

More and more I feel very much stupid as a whole. You know how hard it is to try to be unreadable so people don't know what you're thinking all the time, can't use anything against you?

You're not as nonchalant as I thought. Not as shallow. It makes you so much more dangerous, makes me vulnerable. I feel like an idiot when you look at me like that, forcing me to constantly be at a loss for words. The gazes were never empty, they were searching, picking, so you could sit back and wait for me to react, and use my responses against me.

I don't know who I want to punch more right now. Me or you.

Me because I'm stupid, that much is apparent. I obviously never learn because I am always too induced with my own delusional thoughts that it'll get better, clearer.
You because..well look here, you're not as great as you think you are you conceited ill mannered bastard. 

I am so intensely furious with you and ultimately myself but I can never prevent this steady onslaught of longing. For you. My weakness I think, is that I tend to look out for that special charm, the little quirk that's so appealing yet mysteriously beautiful. However, people have always made me look like an idiot because they have all used that particular thing to their advantage, used it to charm others because they're so aware of what they have. You know, like what they say, "you think someone treats you in such a way that makes you feel special but then you realize they treat everyone that way." This is why I've never felt like I belong you know.

Ugh omg I am so confused as to what to feel right now ok. Why do I pretend and why do you pretend? Oh you  shrewed, sly, manipulative conniving beautiful creature I want to hit you so hard but ugh. Nothing I am saying makes sense honestly, there is no order in this I am just writing what comes to mind thus a complete tirade I apologize although it is MY blog anyway.

Only you can make my hands shake so much when you tell me we should sit and talk. Make me quiver with trepidation, hope and a tinge of annoyance when you look right at me with those beautiful brown eyes of yours and say, “hey, how come you act like you don’t know me?”

You're a cunning one. One day the tables will be turned you mark my words.

“Memories are the only thing we hold onto because it is the only thing that doesn’t change.”

Well I’ll tell you what. In lieu of all the changing aspirations of hormonal teenagers, of the hollowed shells of the lonely and alone, I’ll tell you this- Memories are a construction of our fantasies and everything we truly yearn for. A memory can never be a hundred percent accurate because there is a niggling factor that a majority of us refuse to face- we choose what we want to remember. Nothing else. Nobody thought to mention that our deep down longing distorts our memories. They are fake,  an example of a perception twisted where only half truths lie.

I dare say there is nothing much to cling onto if you so pathetically choose to grasp this thread of  what was once your thoughts, molded but what you saw, heard, touched and felt.

Perhaps I’m so bitter because I’ve realized that memories are pretty much empty dreams-empty, because only one party holds on so tight for solace. And the other one dismisses it like the tossing back of bed sheets- a signal to start a new day, flipping aside what they think is dragging them down.

“I don’t want to constantly feel a ten ton sack of guilt sitting on my shoulders and pressing against me.”

And so, as easy as it is to have memories tweaked in a way that pleases you, it will be equally as simple to forget. At this point I’m not even sure myself which one of these two types I am-The grasper, or The forgetter?

I don’t know man, perhaps I’m a little bit of both. Perhaps I take my own memories and instead of just remembering and exaggerating the good parts, I also choose to dwell on the darker, hardened fragments. With these pieces I allow it an explanation as to why everybody has left, or simply decided to pretend.

Pretend that a friendship never happened, or pretend that you never used to stare at me in this enigmatic strange way of yours. Let’s just pretend that I never saw you sitting there way before school started and that we eventually became friends. That you’d look at me the same way I remembered you; across what seemed like invisible entities to us and with such intense, confirming verisimilitude that we’d share in the unlikeliest of places, like metal containers and behind glass doors.

I mean if it’s easy for you, it’s easy for me. For are'nt we all ultimately capsules that choose to elude what was once before? I mean these memories, we can’t always rely on them. They take a little bit out of all of us, and then more and more and eventually time shows us that we’ve practically created a whole new vessel filled with our recollections. Then we look back and realize we’ve poured our hearts in it and paid no attention to our present beings, we’re too caught up in our pasts and and longings for a controlled fate.

Am I making sense? I think yes, I understand. That much matters the most.

this is a complete rant that doesn't tie up

I can't do it anymore I swear. I know I said I'm going to try hard to see the good in everyone I know but I can't man. I just cannot take to pretending that I'm perfectly fine with a particular person (or more than one in this case) but then oh, they'll think I'm leading them on and pretending to be friends with them just so I get benefits.

So what now? I think most of the time I feel so frustrated in my own skin is because of the fact that I know I'm not being true to myself. If I try to be friends with everyone it tires me out and I'll constantly have to put on this mask. What's even more frustrating is the fact that everyone expects me to be that one person to crack a joke or always be happy and fun and make them laugh. Then what do I get?
If I want to be on my own people think I'm being arrogant or selfish or just anti social. This is what people don't understand and it is that I like being alone.
Of course there are the occasional breaks where I'd like to get to know someone better and I like those kinds of moments, because they are real, offer an insight to a life much worse off than mine.

Are you surprised at the number of people who are so delusional about everything, and then having another party taking advantage of this flaw? Frustrating how I see it all unfolding before my very eyes and people just don't realize it omg are you really that stupid.

“My guitar batch mate passed away this morning. The teachers were told. They told students they were in charge. Everyone pops up and talks about what a pity it is.”

It only ends when you realize that it’s too late to say goodbye. Verbal languages do not mark fate. Imagine you had a tough day. But because you’re in public, you’re forced to keep a straight face. As you’re walking, you see other creatures. Doesn't it bother you that that they might be pretending too?

Isn't it sad to know that you've been judging them? Pushing aside considerations of what they may have gone through just to fulfill your negativity. Next, you wonder why you’re you. You wonder why you feel daggers on your back as you turn.Human nature, that’s what you claim it to be.

Human nature, something that causes you to take things for granted. Something that shoves possibilities of loss away.  Something part of your mind. Part of you. That loves to kick you in the teeth when you least expect it.

Like eating candy when you were a kid even though you’d know you’d soon loose a tooth that’s well, loose. You think that you’d survive another day with that tooth. Until you take the next bite of your candy. That’s when it happens. That’s when it kicks you in the teeth. Both literally and figuratively. That’s when you lose something you took for granted. Your gums start to bleed.

Blood. That can no longer flow in a person’s body. The heart stops pumping. Now imagine watching someone struggling to breathe. Aid is given, but so what? You can say,” We might have another day.” But verbal languages do not mark fate.

Prayers exist, yes. But you cannot take back what God has determined to take away.

-Nur Umaira

"What's wrong? You tweet like you're in love."
"Yeah maybe I am."

All these weeks of not admitting.

My weekend is spent trying to decipher the reasons behind all this pretending.

I latch on to a conjured up ideal only because I tell myself I deserve this to fulfill my emptiness. There is so much pretending, so much delusion, I don't even know how to be true to myself anymore.

I am open and delirious for a few days, then cold and avoiding the next. In both states I am untrue to myself. What am I.
An entity of nothingness. A hollow vessel.

A few days ago I met two strangers on two different occasions. Both times I found that I had something in me that was possible to permanently adopt.

I don't need to be selfish, arrogant, sullen or angsty. I don't need to try so hard to be charismatic, or despair over my lack of it. What I discovered was that I have the ability to be kind through and through. A smile is all it takes to reel a stranger in and change their life.

As much as I can, I am going to look for the good in everyone. No matter how much they act like they  probably don't deserve it, I am going to strive to look for the good in them. Everyone has a parcel of good in them. I will sieve it out and focus on it so that it it is the only thing of them that I will recall, and I will bear no grudges.

It is going to be hard, but I can do this.

What do you fall for?

What do you truly adore?

The razor sharp cheekbones, the pouted lips?

The elongated legs, the curved hips?

Or maybe something way more precious-

her enigma that made you curious?

Or her soul sculpted from words

of broken, hardened absurds.

Something out of the ordinary

that caught your eye.

Making you never wanting to say goodbye.

could it be the way she stares into the distance?

The way she tilts her head-“hear me”- she listens

It is as if all the words she’s ever said

engulfs you in a blanket of never-had.

Every inch of her you’d drown yourself in

Every part of her nearly free of sin.

As you struggle to untangle

all the hate that’s trapped in her wounds

so afraid she will dismantle

from the height of her imagined doom.

She doesn't even realize

that every part of her,

although mesmerizingly small in size

conjures up something; makes your heart pound, heart stir.

Maybe as you watched, watched her dancing fingers

you felt the sense of something tender, it lingers

on the air of everything she touches.

She- afraid of the smudging patches

You- awed by the way your own heart latches

Every single glimpse you steal

makes you wonder if she truly is for real

Could you really have found

someone so profound?

So delicate.

So intricate.

That makes your world go round?

Yet she doesn't even know it

You don't know if she'd see you fit

She could look at you

and sadly, this might be true-

She could think a thousand different thoughts

all the ones about you, maybe naught. 

There may be a time you will have to part

and that, I'm sorry, it will break your heart

But what will never make you forget

Is how you had had your heart set.

Because you fell

for the girl

who had so much more to tell.

The devil’s acts scratched into your skin; scald yourself with your own sins.

Suck his soul out through his chest; ink it out- kill his quest.

Stalks the hundred blackened souls

Digs a hundred hardened holes

Her mind in torture, her lack of amour

Fills her with fear- a ruptured shiver

Here he clutches a deadly dagger

Watches the prey with morbid hunger

His huge wings signed in grievant menace

Kills their passion, screams, “no grace, no grace.”

In his head, he feels misled.

The way he sees the world

"I've always wanted to tell her," he shrieks

"She used to be so beautiful!"

The sockets in his sad face leaks

Conjured up image in his head-dreadful

One last bloodcurdling cry
A signal of his goodbye

Before he stomps across the broken boat

Tilts her head and slits her throat.

You know what I think about the heart?

It has to be pulled apart

Because even within it

There is a window

It offsets everything, everything unshallow.

Your heart.

It is encased in a delicate glass jar

Everybody eyes it from a far

Everybody wants the key

To your heart.

Where do I start?

Your heart is not a cage.

Nor is it a musical box

Of which it has locks

Oh no

Everybody pretends to be gentle

You know what they truly are is detrimental

With all their fake analogies of being the key to you heart

Oh no

No, your heart is what it should be

The thing that holds it is

Burst into, pierced, cracked, pulled apart

Not with blatant violence, but with a fierce passion

Of someone ready to face the ugliness of the innards

Of

This glass jar.

What they will find is something

Soft.

Everything unraveled.

Like strings untangled.

Savaged just to open this jar.

Clawed into just to get through

You would realize that I have broken your jar

Allowed it to crack and shatter into 5 million pieces

Shards bouncing off the floor

Feet bleeding on the way to help

Yes, help

Bleeding feet on the way to your help

Dirty and impure, contaminated and corrupted
I just want to save your heart.

THE THING IS, NOBODY FRICKIN CARES ABOUT YOU.  NO ONE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHORE YOURSELF OUT THERE VYING FOR ATTENTION BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS TOO CAUGHT UP IN THEIR OWN PROBLEMS TO CARE ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THIS SCREWED UP PLACE IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY NOTICED. THERE IS NO ONE.

I'd run

I don’t know why I try so hard to convince myself that I’m perfectly fine with being on my own. There’s something in me that aches the more I try to re-plaster this mask, yet the more I tell myself, the more I crumble a little inside. In due time it will show on the outside and I dread having my face so readable that it makes me entirely transparent, my soul bared on my face; allowing my defenses to break down and thus  increasing my vulnerability.

In a previous post, I spoke with such strong dislike about people who are so dependent of each other to the point where  everything and everywhere they do and go , they feel the dire need to be accompanied. Maybe it’s envy, I don’t know, maybe just plain annoyance. But I somehow can’t help feeling this way.

I am so afraid to admit that I need people sometimes. I want to be known as a person who is entirely independent, and I realized that I’ve drifted a little away. I am lost. When I am with people, I tend to latch on way too tight, engulf myself in the protection of this companionship. When I am alone, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I’ve detached myself from false human attachments.

Then there is that empty abysmal feeling. Of which I feel among people and in my loneliness. I can’t shake it and it suffocates me. 

I don’t even know what I want.

.

Sometimes I think I'm lying to myself when I say that I don't need anyone to rely on...but it all seems complicated when I try to make sense of why exactly.

Lately I feel I have been adopting this rather arrogant, high headed attitude that just maybe, I don't need people...they need me. It's stupid, I know, and maybe I take it back. The way I see it now however, is that people parade their friends around like trophies, put in mentions, instagram pictures just to show the world they have this "amazing" best friend they cannot live without.
You don't have to call a friend and then tweet that you've been talking to her for 4 hours...it shows plain out that you're showing off. Why can't people just appreciate each other's presence and leave it at that. I find that there is more of a symbol of sincerity when you keep your friendship quiet and close to your heart.

Every day I feel like I'm being let down. I can't place what, but every day I am just disappointed by people. Every day I cling on to this notion that I should stop my reliance on people, halt all my expectations and make it clear to myself that every human relationship is a false attachment of which I  should disconnect myself from.

My patience with people never really never last. Maybe I'd  have this tendency to cleave to people who share so many similarities with me. Yet, the similarities themselves become odds and then start getting annoying because there will be a point where I want to stand out and not be likened to anybody else; the summit of my individuality should not be compared to another's.
I deserve this onslaught of loneliness I suppose, after all I've done and thought of people- made my judgement too quickly and aggressively dismissed their potential of being a good, trusting friend. The thing is, I really don't feel that I need anyone. I have to be true to myself and that is why these days I'm coming to terms with the fact that I enjoy the peace that solitary holds. Of course, it irritates me a little inside when people think that me being seen on my own means that I'm waiting for someone- I hate being looked at and having people think that I'm waiting desperately and pathetically for someone all by myself. I mean that's what it all comes down to in the end. People are so used to seeing hoards of giggly teenagers huddling together that a single individual is deemed queer.

I guess I have to start not caring.

Preserve

She sits,
sits in her jar
hunched and molded against its rigid
shape
she wants them far, out
while they try to break in
sealed herself in this vessel
shut tight
air stale
untouched.
There is a coldness that touches her skin
A fragment of her heart, a silver sliver
she uses
to scratch the words of solace
on the surface
for herself
and those like her.
Yet nobody comes because they have left.
Isolated in this empty shell
even her own presence
seems to
cease to
exist.

untitled.

I’ve been thinking a little bit more these past few days and I’m not sure, maybe the rather inclement weather and small situations leading up to this moment has left me pondering over so many aspects of what I am living for. I should start off by telling you that as of now, my thoughts are much like a disparate mess; some parts of my memory becoming more prominent than the others at times, and some lying deep and hidden, but occasionally making its presence known just to make sure I won’t forget.

The word that comes the closest to describe all I am feeling is emptiness. It’s beyond that, actually, but I have no other words. The sensation is just a huge abysmal emptiness, hollowed out by the prospect of time and memory, eating me inside out little by little every passing day. I don’t even know why. It’s a suffocating, unfathomable feeling that resides like a heavy grey cloud over my head, like a black blanket of sorrow that squeezes my soul tight, hardening it and turning it bitter.

Maybe it’s that deep yearning for true companionship. Poly life has its complications and I’ve looked at my classmates and wondered if I could actually harbor a real friendship rather than being merely acquaintances to each other. I look at the mirror sometimes and wonder if I’m still the iiman who could express herself so easily and live, let free. I find it difficult to talk to people and actually have a real heart to heart talk about life and every other miscellaneous  topic that doesn’t include boys or comparing ourselves to others. I’ve been told a few times that I am an introvert in real life; I don’t talk about myself much, I would steer away from topics relating to myself and ramble on about silly nuances that don’t focus on me or would just stay silent. The problem isn’t about me being anti social or overly quiet. In fact, I do talk to the people closest to me, but if you’re one of the people that truly believe I am an introvert right through, keep in mind that you’re most likely the kind of people who would interrupt me or talk over my voice so don’t blame me if I decide to give up and not bother with your type. I think all my years in schooling, I’ve always been looking for that one person who matches up with me, who sees things the way I see them, who’s just real and deep and perspective. One of the reasons I was so eager to get into poly and join a communications course was because I  was so sure I’d meet people who shared the same interests as me. I didn’t realize how extremely competitive it would be, and how  secretly hostile a few could be.

It’s made me realize that I don’t actually need that one friend to stand by my side for my years in poly. I could have a handful, I could have  two classrooms full (my dpa mates) but I probably don’t really need that one. I’d miss it, but I sure don’t need it. I do think about the people I have left behind and it tears me up sometimes because I think back to why exactly we’ve been estranged. I will tell you now, that every single estrangement is entirely my fault because along the way I push away the people who stopped to care, and eventually I forget about them, too caught up in the lust of pain and self inducement. Even if I had that one friend who bothered to stand by me, I know I would push her away, just like I have done all this while. Not to make myself look like an entirely cold person with the tendency to push people away, let me add that there are occasions where I do cling on tight-but to the wrong people who see me as nothing more than a transparent individual. That said, I try too hard or not at all, which leads me to wonder-why bother in the beginning?

There are moments when I feel there are two sides to me. I think everyone feels this way, but it renders me with guilt, anchoring me down because it makes me feel like a cheat, a liar. My experiences in school have also been the cause of this façade that I put on every day, a mask plastered on and which gets harder as time passes. It’s hardened me a little outside and a lot inside. I no longer find that I can take things at face value- I over analyze and criticize and strive to look for the negativity in everything. It’s strange because it’s become natural  to me yet  it limits and restricts all the probable outcomes in particular situations, toys with the free flow of how things should be. I amaze myself  sometimes, the amount of times I’ve managed to kid myself with smooth verisimilitude that it’s perfectly justifiable to succumb to this way of things.

Do you know what I’d rather be sometimes? Alone. When you’re with  people, you find yourself inclined to talk with a nonchalance that doesn’t address the fact that every second is spent wasting words and wasting breath on the most trivial of topics. And it’s not that I’m saying I would wish to shun people in general, I just feel that if at least I had people to talk to, it should be on  heartfelt discussions on faith, passion and self- discovery. I’m not suggesting  I’m an expert in any of these, because I can tell you right now, that I lack faith and the lack of it is dragging me down whilst I find myself trying to climb that ladder to bring near the top, to make me feel whole and complete again. I am the last person you should talk to about faith, and that is regrettable, but when I find myself again, then perhaps you can learn from me and I will learn from you.

What I have gathered from my seemingly self -absorbed emotions , from the memories that I have played back, from the people I have met and left, is this: The human condition that we are all probably familiar by now is that we tend to fall back on loneliness and darkness. It is as if we would allow ourselves to accept love, care and concern from the people around us but eventually we will be consumed by our very own sadness. We create  a shell that filters the care we choose, but even then, we allow it to dissipate and we end up with nothing but despair. We all struggle to escape from ourselves, and then we strive to escape from the people around us and the aftermath leaves us very much stranded and lost.

Dedicated to my DPA mates.

Well before I begin, I just wanna say that you guys are an amazing bunch. It's like we're all fragments from different broken porcelain bowls, glued and joined together clumsily with runny, gooey love with a heavy coat of wackiness and all kinds of other happy magic to fill up the cracks <3
oh and I'm sorry if you all don't like to read long posts, I'm really really sorry about that, it's just that all these are written straight from my heart so yeah

In Alphabetical order:

Alex-At first I thought you were malay(do you sense this awkward silence) and you were in the same group as me in the first ever project that we had. You're actually pretty decent and reliable but sometimes when I look at you I can never tell what you're thinking HAHAHAHA. You're good at encouraging and you have this blur-but-decent face and it's always nice to see you smile. I'm sorry I can't write much about you because I never actually had a proper conversation with you, but keep in mind that it was a pleasure meeting you and I hope you're adjusting well in school.. Hope to see you around :)


Angela- You're just this awfully quiet and sweet girl, having this mindset to work hard and put in effort in the things you do. I didn't actually hang out with you much nor had the chance to have a proper conversation with you, save for the time when we slept in the same tent during Project Voyager. It was great seeing you open up a little more towards the end of Project Communicate when initially I know it was hard for you to speak out loud. I hope you're able to make friends now that school has officially started, and I do hope to see you around more. Do take care,and much love :)


Ashraf-  Eh alamak why must it be you next HAHAHAHAHHA KIDDING. To start of, I think you're really pretty darn dandy. The first week of school I thought you were this  emo tumblr boy always sitting around looking cool...ok sorry my first impressions of people are always rubbish (or are they....?) It will forever be a mystery to me how you have this penchant for wearing your dad's clothes hahahaha ok I'm kidding again. But really, seriously now, I think you have this ability to take jokes and sarcasm  to  a whole new level and reply in even more bitch please sarcastic remarks so that makes you all the more fun. And if you've gotten weird questions on your Ask.fm then it was me : >
Bahhaha I remember when you sat opposite Subway and you unleashed the inner judgemental bitch in you by commenting on every single person who walked past...it was HILARIOUS but mean also so see you in hell ok no sorry I'm kidding again. But all in all it was really great knowing you, because you have this genuine "I'm cool with anything" vibe and you seem pretty deeply perspective at times. It's also really nice to talk to you and all, the way you go from concerned to insanely nonsensical but still nice. Hope to see you around more :) P.s my friend Sabrina said you're an ass and I said yep you're an ass, but you're a nice ass.


Atiqah- I hope you don't kill me for saying this but I honestly thought you were some kind of fierce hipster minah minus the kening highways. At first I always had this feeling that you'd pull of my tudung or something whenever you stood close to me, but you turned out to be such a sweetheart. I liked you immediately when I found out you like Meg&Dia too, and then after that I liked you even more when you showed this really caring attitude to everything and everyone. When you laugh it sounds like tiny bells tinkling in the wind  AND IF Y'ALL  ARE READING THIS THIS IS NOT A SICK LOVE POEM OK EXCUSE MOI FOR THE CORNINESS. Anyway, you always seem calm in any situation, and I admire the fact that you seem to have this attitude of wanting to learn new things, so that's really pretty amazing. And I really like your hair- sometimes I wonder if I stick a pen in it, would it stay stuck or drop off but okkk lol I'm being nonsensical again. Also, whenever I think I see you in school, it's actually just your twin sister like tsk pls y'all can put name tags on your shirts or not  wait one day I'm probably gonna hug her thinking it's you then she will die of fright and embarrassment then you know. Love you heaps <3


Chelcy- Wow, the first day of school I honestly though you were this damn pretty malay girl but you turned out to be chinese omg cheat my feelings!!! I love love how you're so outspoken and you don't much care what people think of you. I never actually got to thank you enough for the advice you gave me on the last day of RPPP. So thank you so so so so much for that <3 I love the way you dress la please and I love your hair like you just jumped straight out of a Dove Shampoo advertisement, so straight and long and thick. Everytime I see you, you're practically always saying, "Aiya don't care one lah, anyhow one lah" HAHAHAHAH  YOU'RE DAMN FUNNY YOU KNOW THAT? I'm glad we were in the same class for Project Communicate, you were a pretty radical classmate <3


Danial-  If I'm not wrong you were one of the first ones who asked my name on the first day of school. I remember you being in the same group as me for the Amazing Race thingy on the first week of RPPP.It was great having you, because you worked hard and although quiet at first, you were encouraging and friendly and all.Also, you have this really goofy but extremely sincere smile, like every time  I see you, your face is like you're trying so hard not to laugh then you end up smiling really widely, and that's really nice :) In general, you're this super decent guy, very patient and kind to people (BUT SOMETIMES CAN BE ANNOYING AH WHO TAUGHT YOU ONE). During Project Communicate when you wanted to laugh at people in class it was damn funny ok. Sometimes you look awkward when you're with people then I feel like laughing at you because your face~ I really cannot tahan. It's also comforting to see you around school,like a familiar face and all (and you're always smiling goofily) hope all is well for you, presenting in front of a whole new class with totally different people so yeah, be confident and keep smiling :)

Dorcas-  You strike me as a rather logical, intelligent person filled with facts and smartness. I demand half of your brain. I'm jussssst kiddinggggg. Knowing you was really something. I remember for the first two weeks of RPPP we had those ice breaking games and you were in the same group as me and most of the time you'll be the one coming up with all these genius solutions to solve the problems. For Project Communicate, you were the one giving instructions in out group and your sense of authority really made the group and I feel like we had this covered.  You're good at these kinds of things and you're so lucky to be so smart. I also haven't seen you much around the school, and I do hope to soon enough. Much love <3

Elaine- Aiya Elaine, you and your hugs, so nice and warm and comfy and makes me feel loved. The first thing I remember about you was your damn cool dip-dyed hair. After that, I found that not only is your hair cool, everything about you is cool <3. You're warm and friendly and encouraging and you're crazy and hyper sometimes HAHAHAHAHA omg. You were really dynamic back during Project Headstart, as the king and all, so bold and confident and really good in general in giving instructions. Whenever I think of you, I hear you in my head going, "IIMAAAAAAANNNNN....." and please, I still don't get why you think I'm scary like please I'm not some evil old woman ok tsk pls. You know, the thing about you is that you have this genuine, honest way about you. You're just very encouraging and all and you always seem determined in whatever you do, so I really salute you for that. Thank you for being you. Love you loads <3

Esther-HAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU! The first week of school I really thought you were this super anti-social person, didn't want to mix around with people( a bit like me ah at first hahahahahaa) and then I remember you saying you didn't want to go for the hike or something because of your medical condition and you said," I scared I burden you all (sadfaise)" and the girls were all like, "NU NU WE CARRY U" HAHAHAHAHAH FUNNY SIA. You turned out to be this damn hilarious person on Twitter like you're so utterly random and I never fail to burst out laughing when I read your tweets because you're so unexpectedly funny, forever expressing your love and sexual preferences for musical instruments.Weirdness. Your talent in musical software is just....wow.  I remember how for Project Headstart you were the one coming up with all the sound effects and music which none of us knew how to do. And I loved working with you during Project Communicate, filming a YouTube video on your Mac and having loads of fun and encouragement from you. I hope you finally find your voice and reach that pitch you're looking for :) Love you tons <3

Faiezah- The first time I saw you I thought you were this smart alec looking girl because of your thick black glasses. I seriously thought you looked like those fierce "Don't mess with me I tell you first" kind of person. (My first impression of people is seriously nonsense omg really.) I also thought you were chinese + ang moh mixed but you turned out to be malay lololol. Tbh I had this girl crush on you the first week of school because you were like the prettiest girl I've ever seen in my life and you didn't even realize it. BUT I'M NOT LESBO HOR PLS HOR INI SEMUA NORMAL. You actually turned out to be an amazing friend-quiet yet very annoying, and you have this sort of sisterly, responsible vibe about you which I felt when we had that hike at Bukit Timah. You're really someone who can be counted on and I especially respect the huge amount of talent you have in playing soccer. You're one of the people I  hung out with most in school during RPPP and I relish those quiet moments we had, just sitting or standing or walking or eating together without having the need to speak much. I actually really do miss hanging out with you, and I hope we see each other more often in school. All the best of luck in everything that you do, love you so much <3


Faiz- When I first saw you I thought you were some chinese dude with a creepy face like forever with that pervertic grin. UNTIL NOW YOU HAVE THAT FACE HAHAHHAHAHAH ok sorry :L Jokes aside, I find that you really posses an awesome personality. One of the things that makes you so admirable is the way you always seem to push yourself beyond your personal boundaries, and that's just really inspiring. Another thing about you is how you always motivate everyone in a positive manner, especially during Project Voyager when you were helping everyone with the belaying and giving all these words of encouragement to everyone, so I'll never forget that. I know we really annoy each other sometimes, like really really super irritating  max but oh well. I want you to know that I'm always just kidding around when I pretend to ignore  you and all, but I really don't mean to be mean  :) You've really been one of the people bringing everyone in RPPP together what with your loudness and all, but take note that your outstanding character and motivation has been much appreciated and really does inspire me :) Thank you so very, very much for that. I do hope to see you around more alright :)


Fazila- On the first day of school I was excited because you were this other tudung woman ;;;;) You turned out to be super friendly, always smiling and spazzing over cats omg so cute. DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE SO CUTE THAT I SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE STUFFING YOU IN MY BAG AND CARRYING YOU AROUND!!!! I think we got to know each other more during Project Headstart and we talked about other things and stuff hahahhahahaha I cannot la the way you wear your tudung so adorable because when you laugh your tudung sort of closes in in the middle then your face suddenly looks so small HAHAHHAHAHAHA ok sorry. And someone called you this super funny term-"China Woman Pakai Tudung" (ok idk if you called it that yourself but it was so damn funny omg please hahahaha) And then you're so small and cute but your phone is like bigger than your face omggggg CANNOT TAHAN PLS. On a serious note, I know that things sometimes don't quite go well at home for you but I admire the way you appreciate it all and you try to exude this really happy and outgoing attitude in school, so I really look up to you for that. Thank you for the memories and I hope all goes well for you in the coming future, I really do miss you. Love you a lot <3


Ganesh- Wah Ganesh, our resident Hockey Player. I never actually saw you play, but I have every believe and absolutely no doubt at all that you are one kick-ass player. You were an amazing leader during Project Voyager, giving very clear, precise instructions and putting everyone else's needs before your own, asking about everyone's well being throughout the hikes. I really appreciate it. You are just simply terrific lah, to say the least, and thank you so much for all that you did :) Your talent in music is also exceptionally wonderful, that mix you did for all of us was just....omg mind blowing.  AND I ALSO HOPE YOU CONTINUE GETTING GOOD GRADES LIKE HOW DO YOU EVEN BALANCE HOCKEY AND SCHOOL GOOD LAH YOU.Keep doing your thing la ok, you rock :)


Haiqal-hahaha omg Haiqal at first I was so intimidated by you because you looked so fierce like "oi wanna fight ah see what see". But then, the moment you open your mouth to speak, AHAHAHHAHA LIKE LITTLE BOY SIA HAHHAHA. Your face fierce only but actually sometimes you're full of nonsense also ahaha. You really are a very good person, very  friendly easily smiley and smiley and smiley. Has anyone told you that when you walk it's like you have this gangster "sweggy boy sweg sweg sweg" thing about you but hahhahaha omg funny~. I remember you being one of the brothers acting during Project Headstart and during the process of brainstorming you were full of merepekness but still very enthusiastic, which is cool. I really wish you the best in your course and modules and just intimidate your classmates with your gangster look, go je don't scared. See you around :) [P.S badass bwo]

Hamzah- What can I say, you are like our big brother to us all. At first I thought your voice damn funny HHAHAHHA but eventually I came to terms to find out that you really are funny in general. I remember you being in the first ever group that I was in and you really clicked with Rusydi and Sufian and Stanley and you guys together were like One Direction minus the Direction and the One hahhaha ok idek what I'm saying.Anyway, you are just so damn funny but you do have a serious side to you which I totally respect. You give the impression of someone who would do something once, and do it right, and place strong emphasis on it. I just really admire the way you're always asking about how everyone else is and motivating everyone, making them all feel good, and that really is fantastic of you. You really are that bond that brings us together and thank you for all you have done :) P.s No I'm not going to settle down and stop making silly faces

Han Yang- You're this little ball of  (LOOK fierce ONLY) yet kind. I only really noticed you because you had these really stupid and funny accents that you did during Project Headstart, like the China man HAHAHAHA BRO YOU REALLY NEED TO TEACH ME  LA BRO HAHAHAHA. I thought you acted pretty well during the performance thingy by the way :))) The thing about you is that you have this pleasant, very nice laugh and smile. You'll be quiet at times but I remember giving you this stupid face and you surprised me with your laughter. Btw, your tweets are sometimes so damn funny OMGGGGGGGGG!!!! Overall, it was so extremely nice meeting someone like you and I only saw you once in school when it officially started and I really really do do do hope to see you around a whole lot more :)

Heng Wei- The first time I met you I couldn't even pronounce your name right! But that aside, you're this really really really nice and gentle guy with a blur face that adds to the charm. You're so funny! Sometimes you'd say these really weird random stuff and I can never tell whether you're joking or not, like that time you wrote "Broom" and you said, "Is this how you spell broom?" and I couldn't stop laughing hahahha omgg seriously. I remember during Project Communicate you were the one always buying candy and offering them to people and you also used it as incentives to get people to be interviewed HAHAHAH. Anyway, it's nice to see you around school   because of that familiarity about you that I can't quite place. (oh btw the guy that sat beside you for FOP is my eyecandy but don't tell him).It was great meeting someone as easy going as you and I hope you're able to cope with school and all. See you :)


Jared- When I saw you at first I thought you were Tintin in real life,like with your hair and small eyes and everything HAHAHAHHAH. Then when you told us you swim I was like, "woah respect bro". You were a really selfless leader during Project Voyager, stopping to ask how everyone was feeling, cooking beyond delicious camp food like MMDAP OK MMMDAP NICE. And I remember when we were walking back to the campsite exhausted and tired but you really tried to keep our spirits up by playing games, NATURAL LEADER SEH JARED. By the way, you made a really beautiful queen during Project Headstart, and you were so proud to flaunt your assets, I think deep inside you enjoy running around wearing a wig and make up and a short dress righhhhhhhht... And also, just in case you accidentally walk into the girl's toilet again, pretend you're a queen hehheheheh. Anyway, see you around :)

Jessyln- Heya Jessy with your obsession over your idols ;;;)  I remember one of the projects you told me that you wanted to know me a little more and a little more you have learnt about me you have (idek if this makes sense omg) ANYWAYZZZ, you have this pleasant thing about you which I can't quite place. I really liked working with you during Project Communicate, like you had all these cool ideas and you were very conscientious in your work. I also think that you have an ah-mazing voice, like can you totally sing girrllll!! It was great knowing you because you have this thing about you that's really funny, and the only regret I have about meeting you is not getting to know you more. Keep smiling, and I hope to see you around because I haven't actually seen you around school lately. Much love <3

Jun Jie- I thought you were this other Sherman when you walked in that one time, late. You turned out to be this cool guy with a mostly decent personality and sometimes it's nice talking to you although we haven't spoken that much except for that Amazing Race thingy hehehehe. It's funny how you're so damn frank at times and just totally funny in general. I'm sorry I can't write much about you, but you were someone RPPP couldn't have been the same without. See you around :) (P.s I like your hair colour)

Kang Jin- So...you're the banana guy. I thought you were this emo ah beng at first but turns out, you're not! I remember being in the same group as you for the first ever project and we had to do that stupid blindfold thing outdoors and I couldn't even pronounce your name correctly hehehehe. I had the impression that you'd be loud and shout around a lot, but you're actually pretty quiet, but nice to talk to. And funny also! Especially when you told me about this retarded guy in your course HAHAHAHA. You were really good during Project Headstart, like how you tried to knock off the Witches' hat HAHHAHAHA. You're really nice lah okay, I haven't seen you around much, how can like this D: So see you around ok :)

Kar En- Sigh Karen you Jennifer Lawrence spazzer. When I first saw your name on the list I seriously thought it was Karen and when you introduced yourself I was like,"Omg this girl can't even pronounce her own name properly." mwehehehe. And do you know that I was terribly afraid of you at first?? You were like this foul mouthed four letter word spewing machine, always openly expressing your dislike towards certain  things. I mean it was scary, but when I think back, it was actually pretty funny.  You turned out to be a sweetie pie underneath your badass fierce exterior, like you have this genuine, caring attitude about you that is just super comfortable. You seem to be an oldie at heart and you have this constant enquiring being about you. It's great just talking about things with you AND YOU'RE SO DAMN HILARIOUS I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT YOU'RE SO FUNNY WHEN YOU GO HEHEHEH. You're one of the people that have made my experience in RPPP so darn memorable, maybe because I hung out more with you and the girls, so every time RPPP comes into mind, you're one of the first people to pop in my head. I love how you know just exactly when to be all out bitchy and annoying and then soft and kind, and oh my god, do I miss you so much. I somehow have this feeling that you'll go very far in the future, conquer the beaten tracks and explore the world, quenching that never ending thirst of yours to find out new things. I wish you all the very very best, and I love you <3

Levina- Lev, you're this bubble of happiness and smiles and you go around hugging people and it's really nice of you. At first I though you were filipino or something hahahahaha but ok no. You're like this rainbow on the cloudiest of days and I swear you're always smiling and laughing and you don't seem to dwell on the negativity of life and stuff like that, which is great! You always seem to be prancing around because you are cute like that you know. Anyone who is in the same class as you is sooooo lucky because  it's like you'll cut them a  slice of your rainbow happiness and share it and make them smile and laugh.
I could go on and on about how you bring about happiness everywhere you go. I hope you #gojedon'tscared for your singing because i really really want to hear you sing again!!!!!! You'll go far in life  with your positive attitude, and I'm sure you're bound to make someone's day every single day without even knowing it. Thank you for the memories, tons of love <3



Mo-Ohhhhhh, Mo. I'm sure we all got tricked into thinking you were a boy at first, and damn girl you had me fooled. From the very beginning, whether boy or a girl or not, I had this strong intuition that you were someone with an outstanding character....and I was right. You have this true, deep, honest sincerity about you and I feel like I can tell you something and you will just nod and smile and encourage from the bottom of your heart. Your laughter is just really amazing, and as I write this I'm laughing as well because I think  I can hear you cackling about something, somewhere. I want to tell you that it was nice having those occasional quiet moments together, a break from all the laughing and the stupid jokes and silly faces. You have this extremely understanding quality about you and you strive to comfort and to be there for anyone who needs company. I salute you for all your motivation and positiveness and thank you for the advice that you give, telling people to not give up. It's amazing how you put family before anything else, and I can see the love shining in your eyes whenever you talk to me about your family, and that really touches me inside and out((in a non-pervertic way)). Every time I see you, you're always smiling that great big white smile of yours, and then you burst into a funny face and then you make fun of yourself, and the whole thing is just so hilarious. It's so damn rare to see you nowadays (except for that time when I saw you and seeing you reduced me to a sobbing sniffling wimp) so seriously I think if they ever make a Finding Nemo sequel it should be dedicated to you and renamed Finding Mo Mo. Anywayyy, I can't wait to go for the subsequent sports trials with you, and I must say, thank you very much for giving me all the encouragement that I needed to be brave enough to sign up for all these things outside my comfort zone. I really never will forget you and you truly have been a fantastic friend. Love you so very much <3

Poh Yi-  I remember you on the very very first day of RPPP and you were sitting on my left and were one of the first ones I said hi to in the beginning. I liked you immediately. You're this earnest, sweet little thing who always does the best  to your abilities. Your laughter is really adorable and anyway, it was great sharing a tent with you during Project Voyager. You were understanding and accommodating and I look up to you for the fact that you carried on trudging during the hike although you were carrying heavy loads like the tent. You are so so positive and it was great learning that you have this passion for photography....your photography skills are brilliant! I also loved working in the same group as you during Project Communicate because you always intend to do the best job you could ever do, and yeah, I learnt that from you. Other than that, you're kind, friendly and so so sweet, sweeter than sugar might I add ;;;) I mean every word that I say about you and I actually do hope to meet more people like you. It was great knowing you. Lots of love <3

Rebecca-aka Rebby Becky Becks Bte Beckham. I LOVE YOU LA SO MUCH. At first, my impression of you was this super scary cold girl, like I would be so afraid to talk to you, and whenever you talked to me or anyone else you would always sound so tired, then I was so afraid that you'll be so lethargic and easily irritated  that you might throw your phone at somebody or something like that (NO WONDER LAH YOUR PHONE SPOILT THAT TIME!!!). Besides that, I really salute you for going ahead and kayaking even though you have this fear of the sea which you told me later on. I was also very impressed that you had the guts to try the high elements and I never told you this, but it was seeing you doing it that gave me the strength to go ahead and try it for myself. You're a big inspiration to me-your bravery, independence and courage has got me admiring you so much, especially when you told me about your family. I was so awed at how you cope so well practically on your own and I foresee that your hard experiences will mold you into someone highly successful in the future. It's always great to talk to you and it was hilarious when we talked on the phone and we couldn't even talk properly about anything because the entire time we were just giggling over the smallest, stupidest things.  Take note that I do miss you and I do miss having you in the same class as me because I don't have anyone else to laugh  hysterically with and make stupid faces with across the room or just laugh over practically nothing.However, I must say that the best moments I spent with you were the ones when we didn't have much to say to each other but just appreciated  each other's presence. Continue to persevere  because I know the hardships have made you strong and you can keep going hard no matter how tired you are. I love you <3

Rusydi- The very first time I saw you I thought you were like this super well dressed dude in your neon  green shirt and white jeans ( like putri salat like that hehehehe). On the second day I remember you really trying to make friends, like you were sitting with some others and introducing yourself and then you also asked around for the other's names. I'm glad that I was in the very first group with you in the first project,and you were like this glue that held us together, tried to make us talk , made hilarious jokes, spazzing over Beautiful Creatures. Thank you so much for the cookies that you baked for us, and thank you so much for putting on a really positive and happy front, although you later  shared with us your rather sad and difficult past. I hope you continue to be the light and life to everyone you meet and don't take hate to heart because there are people out there who are simply jealous of how far you've come with your own hardwork and talent. I know it is exhausting to constantly look happy when you are hurting very badly inside, but I want you to know that I truly appreciate the effort you really put in to make somebody's day despite your own problems. Chin up :)



Sakinah- Sakinah I don't know if you'd read this but you were the first ever friend I made in DPA because you were a tudung lady like me :))) You played a good witch during Project Headstart and may I add that you have a very good voice :))) I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you much after some time, I hope all is good at home and with your new friends now that school has officially started. I really do hope that you're learning to adjust to the concept of group works in RP and that you're coping well. I haven't actually seen you around school, but if we do bump into each other, say hi :) Much love <3


Sharul-wassup la my bro, damn son in my shnizzie, flippin shet all up your grillz boi. HAHAHA.
Truth be told,when I first met you, I thought you were this tall giant and I didn't want to talk to you at first because I thought you were like fierce and loud but you turned out to be one of the most pleasant dudes I've ever met. I only got to know you more during Project Headstart, and you were so so so super funny and determined to do your very best and you are also heaps talented in acting may I add :) After Project Headstart I got to know that you're actually this giant with a heart of gold,always caring about others and making silly jokes and breaking out into silly dances, despite the fact that you yourself have problems of your own. You really do impress on me as someone who prioritizes friends and you try to do whatever you can to help them, so I am very proud that you have such an amazing personality. I want to thank you for being concerned and always asking me what's wrong every time I rant or express my anger or frustrations on twitter. Anyone who has your heart is a truly lucky and blessed soul *wink*wink* if you know what I mean *wink*wink*. KEEP  ON BEING FUNNY AND KIND OK :)))


Sherman- The first ever thing that I'll remember about you would be the fact that in the beginning someone had the idea of calling you "Abang Body" and it was really really funny. I never talked to you much, but I have to say, congratulations on coming this far as you once shared that your physical build never used to be like this. It only came through with maximum hard work and sheer determination. The one thing that really inspired me about you was the fact that you overcame your fear of heights during Project Voyager, where we all did the high elements. You straight out admitted that you were afraid of heights but then, though trembling and terrified you took the plunge. I'm not sure if you actually fully conquered you fear of heights, but it was truly admirable of you to take that step. It was nice knowing you. See you around :)

Shivanii- Wow, when I first saw you, I thought "omg this girl is one hell of a pretty indian" like dayum girl. I also remember you being in the first group of our first project and you really impressed upon as someone who had the ability to stand up and take charge of things. It was great just encouraging each other during the Bukit Timah hike and I appreciate it, truly. You also have this calm thing about you. I don't know if it's just because you're good at hiding feelings or what but in all seriousness, every time I see you, you're always with this calm smile of yours. And it's admirable how you seem to be able to withstand pressure; I always see you calm and collected, as if you know precisely what to do at the right time, like for instance being the Director  for our group during Project Headstart. You did a great job:) I hope all is well for you at home, and I do wish to see you more often. Until then, take care, and lots of love <3

Stanley- I was so scared of you at first! You were like this loud aggressive sounding guy and I was so scared until we partnered up in the first group and led each other through the blindfolded games then I found out that you have this amazingly dependent aura about you. I admire how you are so committed to muay thai and excelling in it, and the way you go on about how people should honor it more. It's cool how you look out for the food that I should eat, halal or not, so I appreciate your thoughtfulness :) It's really always nice to talk to you, you always seem to have these strong views about things and I love hearing your sincere opinions and short anecdotes about life and your passions. Besides that, you always seem to put others before you, and that's cool. It was simply fantastic meeting someone like you, someone with  a kind old soul set in a hardy body with an aggressive front. I wish you all the very best in everything that you are passionate in :)


Sufian- Looking for J0hoR GiRLs???  I remember you being in the first ever group that I was in and you were really this awfully nice person. The thing I want to thank you for is being encouraging throughout the hike at Bukit Timah. You were just going all out motivational and really kindly watching out for the rest of us and I still remember it, and I do appreciate it. Along the course of RPPP you developed your trademark "oppppp...!" which is horribly distinctive until now omg. It was really pleasant knowing you and although at times you have this pervertic grin like Faiz, your face is mostly really pleasant :)) I can't believe you still think that I live in Johor but hhahahaha I live in Johor yes no ok maybe I don't know. It's nice to see you being one of the familiar faces at the reel room at the end of the day, and I don't know but you do seem to be working hard, so I do wish you the very best of luck for all your lessons [and in finding that malaysian girl (((;;;] See you around!!! :)

Syafi'i- SYAFI'I!!! The first time I met you I knew immediately that you'd be a good person and until now, that judgement has never failed me. I think this is like one of those very rare moments that my first impression of someone is right, and a good impression it is :)I think that you clicked pretty easily with our first group for the first project with your extremely kind character.You have one of the most pleasant faces I have ever seen, and you're always smiling about something and sometimes you'll be shaking your head at what people say or do as if you can't believe your eyes or ears HAHAHAHAHAH SO CUTE.(Like that time when you found out that Mo is actually a girl BAHAHAHA your face I cannot tahan seriously). Anyway, thank you for being the greatest kayaking partner ever, really. You were very patient even though I was like blur and slow and stuff but you kept encouraging me and telling me to not give up, so thank you so very very very much for that. It may have been nothing to you, but it really meant a lot to me :')) OH AND SORRY I DIDN'T WANT TO CAPSIZE THE BOAT HAHAHA I'M REGRETTING IT NOW. I haven't actually seen you around school much, but I do hope to bump into you and I  hope all is well for you. Thank you again for everything :)


Syafiq- You're just another bond bringing us together in RPPP. I distinctively remember you making up these cheers for us to do at the facis for thanking them and stuff. You have this strong, determined spirit about you. And also.....why always emo on twitter. I can't say I know how you feel, never experiencing the same situation as you and I know nuts about cheering up, but do keep your head up, tilt it to the sky :)
I know you make the effort to put up a positive looking front but at times it takes a toll on you, we can all tell. Keep in mind that if two people are meant to be together, they'll find a way back to each other again but otherwise, God opens up the door for you to meet somebody else better because He has your best interests at heart. All in all, I just want to thank you for having an outstanding character, trying to bond us all together despite yourself. See you around and remember to smile :)


Syari-We all remember you as the boy going around talking to people,asking for their names , which secondary school they were from, including asking them their hobbies and favourite colours etc. I want to thank you for the genuine, conscious effort you made to try and make everyone feel at ease with each other, and the way you'd reach out to the quiet ones so they wouldn't feel so left out. You gave me the impression of someone who had a really outgoing nature, very content with everything around you, and always looking for the good in people. I was shocked when you told me about your mother during Project Impressions and it deeply moved me how you were still so positive about things, although I know you really do miss her a lot. That day, I learnt from you that the happiest, most smiling people are usually the ones with the saddest, loneliest backgrounds. I wish to commend you for being so strong about it, and it really made me appreciate life more, as well as my loved ones. So thank you very much for that. You're doing amazing, and one day, everything will come through. Just remember that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers so hang in there. I wish you the very best :)


Wang- First impression: malay. Malay tahap max to the core but you turned out to be chinese ha ha ha. You were damn funny during Project Headstart as the old uncle with your walking stick HAHAHAHA YOU'RE A SERIOUSLY GOOD ACTOR.
By the way, I thank you very much for being considerate and understanding about my preferences and thinking about them beforehand. It is very much appreciated. In general, I think that you are this really kind person, so your upbringing must have been good. Anyway when I look at you I never know what you are thinking because you always seem to have the same expression hahahahaha. All in all, it was good knowing you and I am glad I met someone like you. Hope to see you around hor :)

Warren- I think everyone else's first impression on you would be of a tall skinny beatboxer with a cap and long hair. But me-HELL NO. I only remembered you at first because we were grouped in that small circle and there was a piece of fuzz floating around and all of a sudden you quipped-"What if that were some old person's pubic hair." omg really. But you turned out to be actually really nice and talented, like for Project Headstart when we were doing the recordings and you could play all these rythms because you learnt from ear, and that's actually pretty impressive. HOWEVER, you are also highly annoying like take spelling lessons from me ah pls how to spell irritating: w-a-r-r-e-n. But all in all you really are nice actually, witty and spontaneous and sarcastic so at least we weren't all fully dead, just half dead so that's ok. I hope you carry on practicing and win something even bigger next time for any other upcoming beatboxing competition, so all the best of luck in everything you do! :) [P.s if you're still growing out your hair like Paul Twohill he'll still always be the qt pai of the qt pais]


Yong Han- The first ever thing that I remember about you was that you had this meeaaaaaan mohawk and I thought you were some tailong ah beng or something oh goodness. Then when you said that you're in Culinary Operations I nearly couldn't believe it. AHAHAH sometimes you're really very funny, like your expressions are always  like "...." and then you always have this grin which I really don't know how to describe Bhahahaha. It was good working with you during Project Communicate, I'm sorry we never used that stapler thingy idea of yours for an invention, but it was a good idea. I hope you come up with new recipes and stuff and I wish you good luck in your quest to open up your very own restaurant abang comel hahahhaha. See you around :)


Zakiah- You're like this small beautifully gift-wrapped present filled to the brim with positiveness and kindness and concern to everyone who's ever met you. There is something about you that is very honest and truthful and when I look into your eyes I see genuine gentleness and compassion.Verily, you are a blessing to every single person who has come into your life, and that said, you are a blessing to me for coming into MY life. You have this very "on" personality about you, ever so enthusiastic and unafraid to try new things to maximize and even go beyond your potential. I really admire you because you always put other people's needs before your own, like during Project Voyager, I was so awed by the fact that you were piling things on your back, carrying more stuff than the others, yet you were busy thinking of the rest and selflessly carried on motivating us with  a smile on your face. It's fantastic how you're  so devoted to sports, and it shows right through how committed you are to the things that you are passionate about. It's so funny how we can sit and talk about super nonsensical things and make THE EXACT SAME FACES that irritate people. Apart from that, I want to thank you again (a public thank you because you seriously deserve it) for being there for me when I was feeling my worst and giving me a shoulder to cry on. I look at you and I know that you're somebody that I can totally rely on when things take a turn for the worst and when I'm feeling extremely down. You have just simply made a huge impact on me and I really think that all the thank yous in the world don't do justice to all the amazing things that  you have done for everybody. You have a beautiful character that shines right though and it really shows on your face. Love you heaps and heaps <3

Zhi Hao- I don't even know if you'll read this but hello there :) When I first meet you, you struck me as a rather gentlemanly, extremely polite young man but somewhere along the way you kind of lost the formality I guess. I hope classes are going well for you and that you find it easy to work with people outside of RPPP. You seemed pretty happy when I saw you at the lecture the other day so I can assume that you're adjusting well. See you around :)


Zee- Ah, Zee. You were the first person in RPPP that  I found on twitter. Getting to know you was an immense pleasure, because I really have never in my life met anyone my age so determined to make other people's lives better. I was astoundingly awed and impressed by the fact that you so eagerly involve yourself in all these community service projects such as Mercy Relief, etc. The moment I  found that out about you, I wanted to be just like you because I was so impressed by the work you did, filled with sincerity. I love how you were so determined to jump back into sports despite the fact that you just injured yourself and that strong will of yours really amazed me. I really look forward to partnering with you in your upcoming project, because I do feel that I can learn a lot from you, so thank you for offering me that opportunity. I hope to be able to spend more time with you, because it really is fun hanging out with you. You're such an inspiration to me, I swear! Love you so so much <3