Happiness. It doesn't last, obviously. Lately I've been laughing at a lot of things, and the rather strange thing is that I don't feel the way I should. It's almost as if the hollower I feel, the more I laugh like it's a reflex- my mind's way of trying to fill me up. I laugh too much and even when I shouldn't; the stupidest things make me giggle even when it isn't funny at all. But it'll pass, I hope.
Another thing I've been thinking about is how I have this tendency to speak too soon. "Famous last words" is really rather highly applicable to my life. What's new, huh. Everyone is just going to prove me wrong even when I think well or highly of them. At the tip of my mind is a list of people who've turned out to be the exact opposite of who I've perceived them to be.
1.) Just because someone calls you and everyone by really sweet terms doesn't necessarily make them nice. You end up watching them and realizing they don't actually care about people around them and they're pretty much fake. I've shivered with anger when I see how people like them pretend to care for their own selfish reasons, so they don't look lonely. As long as it seems like a direct affront to them they take things too personally and then it sickens me when they try to look like some sort of victim when I actually agree they deserve shit. Friends? Lol at your entire existence.
2.) I wish I never did put up with you the first time we met because now I'm obliged to be nice and polite to you all the stupid frickin time. Funny? You're shit. Annoying. I hate having to pretend I'm ok with someone and that I like them. I either hate you or I don't and will ignore you accordingly. Gosh, I am such a walking contradiction I go against my own principles. I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore.
3.) Dammit is it like some kind of inborn need to hear yourself talk all the frickin time? What you did was just rude, crass and unprofessional and if you pride yourself for it, it tells a lot about who you are. Let's get this straight- no matter how bright or smart you are, being rude and arrogant will never do justice to your IQ. If you really look highly on yourself for being super clever, shit attitude just doesn't cut it and lack of good character is just another way to show lack of knowledge. So, you don't actually have it all.
4.) You want all eyes on you and you just crave attention, don't you? Oh, you love it when you tell people everything about yourself but I know you don't give two shits when people talk to you about themselves. You can't stand looking lonely. Evidently, image is all that matters to you :-)
5.) Don't talk to me only when you need something. I was never a "priority" to you, so please, solve your own problems.
Something else I feel very uncomfortable with, almost to the verge of hate- when people say "ohmigosh I have missed you so so so much!!!1!!! meet soon ok?"
I hate it because the meet ups never happen. Always the fleeting bumping into and then the ((fake)) gushing and the ((empty)) promises that we'll see each other again for lunch, or some outing or whatever. It never happens. I have not met some of my secondary school friends for nearly a year. Admittedly, I have always wanted an escape, but I have never felt the obligation to meet with them again. Why can't friends who bump into each other, who haven't seen each other in ages just give each other a great big hug, exclaim that we haven't seen each other in a long time, then just admit that we will not have time for each other again. It's better, okay. It stings, but at least it's true and nobody has to fulfill any sort of obligation to reluctantly meet up, and no expectations are built on empty, hastily generalized words.
I really don't know how to end this post properly, because I honestly just regurgitated everything that's been hogging my mind and I needed to clear it all. I hope I post again tomorrow, but whatever nobody reads this shit anyway.
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