“What’s it like when you see him?”

It feels like this:

I choke on my words as if someone just rammed five rocks down my throat

I stutter like mad, like someone tied little bells on each of my teeth

When I do manage to talk, my voice either lowers or raises an octave.

Plus I have to swallow. Many,  many times.

My heart shuttles back and forth, hurtling against my chest (My ribcage) at what feels like 10 million miles a second. It hurts.

My pulse speeds up, like my veins are about to burst from the sudden rush of blood, you’d probably see a bulging vein on my wrist

I feel like I’ve gotten absolutely warm all over; my cheeks turn hot, I see red and orange and sometimes maybe pink

I can’t breathe.

My fingers lose their grip on everything, or they flutter about uselessly

I turn away from you, I don’t face you when you’re right in front of me

I’m too nervous to smile. When I do, it feels like someone forcefully peeled my lips back, tacked them to my upper and lower lips.

My knees literally go all weak. It sounds cliché but it’s true as heck

I leave for a while so I can regain my composure and try to stop the shaking in my hands

|Then I look at you and you look at me and we pretend, because all there is, is pretending.|