21/9/13

You were nothing

To say the least

Just a blank canvas of which

I

Poured my desires

My longing

To love someone

To have my heart attached to

I

Painted a picture from memories

All the small things like

Seeing you that day at the café

And the way you stared at me

Although we had never even met

All those constant glances

When we finally became “friends”

All the deep stares across the room

I

Collected each gaze

And put them in this lovely little

Glass jar

Poured them on the canvas

Each time creating a myriad of desire

A thread of expectation

Each time we’d laugh

I’d

Pluck those moments and

Lay them on the canvas

And when you hummed

Or sang

To your favorite song

I’d

Offer my paintbrush and stir it

Through your voice

And so very gently

Drop it onto the canvas

….

It wasn't always you, it was me actually. Forced your favorite bands, forced our similarities, tried to like what you loved, tried to be what you liked, tried to ignore every one of your flaws; your arrogance and narcissism and nonchalance and selfishness. Every time a promise of ugly showed up I’d close my eyes and remembered the way you looked right at me that day at the café. It was the only thing that made me cling so tight, the hard coat of gloss that completed and finalized the painted canvas.

It was nothing of you. It was all of me. All that I wanted. You were just a blank canvas of which I poured my longings onto.

|This was written on one of my smarter moments. Smarter in the sense that I could pick out this mass of emotions and finally articulate this complexity but with sad, bitter honesty. Tbh, when I read  it again I felt a massive wave of sadness wash over me. Out of all the things I'd written about the whole thing, this in fact, was the saddest. And well, I hope it'll be the last post to wrap up and I can finally forget all this nonsense and just move on because there is more to life than just clinging hopelessly onto some other nonchalant entity. There is always that longing, you know? That constant ache to attach yourself to something that promises so much more. I've wasted far too many feelings, but there is a rush you get out of it.

Here's to my emotional betterment, and yours and to all like me. The new school semester is going to be a great one. Cheerios to all of you :-)|