I am just really annoyed at myself I think.

Obviously I haven't gotten over you because I still find it so hard to look you in the eye for more than a second. I was half hoping I wouldn't get to see you because I was so afraid all the feelings would come rushing back and I couldn't let that break me.

Pretending is what I do.

Which is why I reacted so coldly when you called my name to say hi, something I dreaded yet willed. Maybe I shouldn't have been so distant. I should have given you a wider smile, a bigger wave, a longer look instead of just glancing briefly at you and waving impatiently back, smiling less than half heartedly. Maybe I should have.

I don't know how I was supposed to feel when I heard you say "what was that?" to my back after the exchange. Surprised maybe? That I've managed to untangle myself  from the clutches of your subtle manipulation? Or a little sad that I can't bring myself to talk to you like a friend anymore? You just don't realize that everything you do impacts me emotionally in magnitudes of hundreds. This coldness must be my shield. Pretending is going to help me; string me up tight so I don't lose myself like I did, when we were in such close proximity.