School...?

So school is starting in about a week's time and... I'm excited I suppose, for a new regime to start, something to occupy me so I don't sit and dwell over things that could have been.

But I am also scared. Somewhere deep, hidden in the crevices of my mind was a hope that I wouldn't be in the same class as anybody I know. Then I wouldn't have to put up with fake laughter everyday and crack stupid jokes to prove...well to prove I don't even know what. Do you find it rather annoying that I have to turn everything simple into something wayward complex? Because I do. But I can't seem to free myself from the clutches of intricacy. It's almost as if I thirst to intertwine myself into weaves of unfathomable thoughts and ideas. It drives me crazy.

I saw myself walking to school on my own, having lunch on my own, roaming the school corridors and library on my own and keeping to myself and not divulging in unnecessary banter. And I liked it. I liked seeing myself almost tasting my individuality not defined by anyone else, not having to go through the rigors of "girl talks" and giggling incessantly at boys and what not.
     
But somewhere at the back of my mind I know myself this is almost morally wrong to yearn for this "freedom" when I know that I've been put in the same class as parallels to myself. I know. I've been caught up in a tailspin of morbid pretending again and putting up with all of this because it is what is expected of me.Of everyone watching and quick to point out partners.

Do you frickin understand?

It's so frustrating when what I've secretly longed for years- a parallel- is presented to me like a gift and then I try to shun them away just because of my own selfish reasons. Lack of trust. Knowing fully I will never ever be able to pour out my heart to anybody again. Stupid selfish expectations of people. The medal of individuality and solitude. Selfish. So selfish. I am a selfish, immature 17 year old ungrateful unthinking brat.

But I am not saying it just for the sake of it when I say I have lack of trust. The first semester has already shown me how you can trust someone with every inch of your being and then having your heart ripped out through your chest and watching them slice it cleanly with a cleaver rusted with their black lies.

I've had enough.