Hell.

The past week has been ultimate hell. I actually thought Monday would turn out good, but it ended in tears and swearing and in a span of 5 days I have come to realize where my faith lies in such extreme circumstances. The series of events have taken an incredibly huge toll on me and I am exhausted, I really, truly am. I know it was selfish of me to think that God must hate me, because all these are just trials and he is testing me for a better good. But I cannot see where this is going. I have been doing so badly in class, my focus has dwindled, everything has been so affected badly and I really don't know what to do. I know that with such a tribulation I should be thankful because it is supposed to bring me closer to God, but I am just so angry and sad and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I am furious at myself and I am lost. There is nobody to blame but myself, and every event that turns out that seems to shine with a glimmer of hope eventually comes along with a new set of problems, why is this happening? I honestly feel so helpless every single day, I'm too exhausted to fight anymore, I think I am just going to give up and I just want this nightmare to end.

mess

For about a week I've been thinking about what to write. I keep putting writing off, having a thought and then hastily pushing it to the back of my mind, or having it developing into something deep and profound, turning the thought in my head and then waving it off again. sigh. As a result, my brain has been pretty cluttered up and sometimes I feel lost, among other things. So where do I start?

Happiness. It doesn't last, obviously. Lately I've been laughing at a lot of things, and the rather strange thing is that I don't feel the way I should. It's almost as if the hollower I feel, the more I laugh like it's a reflex- my mind's way of  trying to fill me up. I laugh too much and even when I shouldn't; the stupidest things make me giggle even when it isn't funny at all. But it'll pass, I hope.

Another thing I've been thinking about is how I have this tendency to speak too soon. "Famous last words" is really rather highly applicable to my life. What's new, huh. Everyone is just going to prove me wrong even when I think well or highly of them. At the tip of my mind is a list of people who've turned out to be the exact opposite of who I've perceived them to be.

1.) Just because someone calls you and everyone by really sweet terms doesn't necessarily make them nice. You end up watching them and realizing they don't actually care about people around them and they're pretty much fake. I've shivered with anger when I see how people like them pretend to care for their own selfish reasons, so they don't look lonely. As long as it seems like a direct affront to them they take things too personally and then it sickens me when they try to look like some sort of victim when I actually agree they deserve shit. Friends? Lol at your entire existence.

2.) I wish I never did put up with you the first time we met because now I'm obliged to be nice and polite to you all the stupid frickin time. Funny? You're shit. Annoying. I hate having to pretend I'm ok with someone and that I like them. I either hate you or I don't and will ignore you accordingly. Gosh, I am such a walking contradiction I go against my own principles. I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore.

3.) Dammit is it like some kind of inborn need to hear yourself talk all the frickin time? What you did  was just rude, crass and unprofessional and if you pride yourself for it, it tells a lot about who you are. Let's get this straight- no matter how bright or smart you are, being rude and arrogant will never do justice to your IQ. If you really look highly on yourself for being super clever, shit attitude just doesn't cut it and lack of good character is just another way to show lack of knowledge. So, you don't actually have it all.

4.) You want all eyes on you and you just crave attention, don't you? Oh, you love it when you tell people everything about yourself  but I know you don't give two shits when people talk to you about themselves. You can't stand looking lonely. Evidently, image is all that matters to you :-)

5.) Don't talk to me only when you need something. I was never a "priority" to you, so please, solve your own problems.

Something else I feel very uncomfortable with, almost to the verge of hate- when people say "ohmigosh I have missed you so so so much!!!1!!! meet soon ok?"
I hate it because the meet ups never happen.  Always the fleeting bumping into and then the ((fake)) gushing and the ((empty)) promises that we'll see each other again for lunch, or some outing or whatever. It never happens. I have not met some of my secondary school friends for nearly a year. Admittedly, I have always wanted an escape, but I have never felt the obligation to meet with them again. Why can't friends who bump into each other, who haven't seen each other in ages just give each other a great big hug, exclaim that we haven't seen each other in a long time, then just admit that we will not have time for each other again. It's better, okay. It stings, but at least it's true and nobody has to fulfill any sort of obligation to reluctantly meet up, and no expectations are built on empty, hastily generalized words.

I really don't know how to end this post properly, because I honestly just regurgitated everything that's been hogging my mind and I needed to clear it all. I hope I post again tomorrow, but whatever nobody reads this shit anyway.

“What’s it like when you see him?”

It feels like this:

I choke on my words as if someone just rammed five rocks down my throat

I stutter like mad, like someone tied little bells on each of my teeth

When I do manage to talk, my voice either lowers or raises an octave.

Plus I have to swallow. Many,  many times.

My heart shuttles back and forth, hurtling against my chest (My ribcage) at what feels like 10 million miles a second. It hurts.

My pulse speeds up, like my veins are about to burst from the sudden rush of blood, you’d probably see a bulging vein on my wrist

I feel like I’ve gotten absolutely warm all over; my cheeks turn hot, I see red and orange and sometimes maybe pink

I can’t breathe.

My fingers lose their grip on everything, or they flutter about uselessly

I turn away from you, I don’t face you when you’re right in front of me

I’m too nervous to smile. When I do, it feels like someone forcefully peeled my lips back, tacked them to my upper and lower lips.

My knees literally go all weak. It sounds cliché but it’s true as heck

I leave for a while so I can regain my composure and try to stop the shaking in my hands

|Then I look at you and you look at me and we pretend, because all there is, is pretending.|

"What do you suffer from?" "Guilt."

You ask why I'm so quiet.
Maybe you think, "I don't want you to look at me and think of my dad dying."
But I can't ok. Pretending is what I claim to do but in circumstances like these I just can't. I 'd rather be silent than engage in small, banal talk.

I know you hate it and you think I'm pitying you but I'm not. I'm not. All there is, is guilt. That's it. I've left people way too many times, and I'm not going to leave you. I'm trying hard to make it up to you, to be there for you. I'm learning.
What breaks my heart the most is imagining you cry yourself to sleep. Out of everything that's what I think of  the most. And again, guilt. Because I couldn't be there for you at such a point in time. But I am not your pity party.

Like a rock shoved through my abdomen, that's what it felt. Hollowed me out and pushed the tears out, made them trickle down my rather pathetic face.

Like the weirdest sensation of nothingness; neither happy nor sad, just this persistent cold, numb feeling.

Like a wave washed over me and took with it a collection of my emotions. "I'll come back soon," it seems to say but it breaks out in a whisper, broken down by the sea.

Like a tree swaying forlornly in the wind. As birds fly by. As cars speed past. As people dance past. As if that was all to ever live for.

Nobody knows how long I wait and how sharp I look out and how my hopes are heightened, every single time, at the mention of your name. They never recognize that far off look when I stare at you from a distance. They will never know how every thread that used to bind us rips terribly painfully apart each step you take away.

But I liked you. I really, really did.

So yesterday I went to visit Nat.

I didn’t know how to feel, actually, seeing her smile so widely like as if she were receiving us on her birthday. “You came!” she gushed, with powder on her cheeks and her hair swept to the side, in a lovely simple green baju kurung.

I don’t know why but seeing her smile her big smile made me feel really sad inside. It was as if her face was bursting from the strain. So wide. Too wide. Maybe for the sake of her mother, who was frail looking and small, as if overnight she decided she had to put up this front, this happy façade -sudden change from her persistent serious face. Maybe she cries at night. Maybe I’m thinking too much.

I still really hope for the best for her. It’ll be okay, she’ll be okay.((btw her birthday is in 6 minutes))

Didn't think to update, but I'll start.
Brief happiness last Friday when I finally had a reunion with my DPA mates. It was just a talk, but we made use of it to catch up. I swear my heart was just bursting with joy when I looked around the lecture room and I remembered the very first day we were sitting in that room, quiet and shy and unspeaking. Oh, how different it was from Friday- we were all so very excited to see each other together after months and Mo exclaimed, "woah...everybody changed so much!" Yes they all did. (we all remember when Mo tricked us all into thinking she was a guy until someone pointed out she was wearing a bra a week later). I felt like a proud mom hahaha.
I'm glad not everyone rushed off, we stayed and talked and took photos. I'd forgotten how much I missed them all,  a special kind of searing kind of miss. Warm laughter all around and teasing and jostling and faces and real-ness. So much hope and warmth and tender care, symbols that showed we all shared a special friendship that would never break, no matter how many more friends we all made or ventured off to find ourselves, my dpa mates hold solace.

A break from the uneasiness.

I wonder how you're doing, Nat. I want to text you every single day, but I know I have to give you space as well. I'm trying. I don't know what to do except give a listening ear should you need it, a hug should you silently ask for one, and full fledged understanding. I'll try. I promised I would. I miss you, I really do. Funny how we didn't see each other for 6 weeks and only now I'm saying I miss you. I'm so afraid you might never smile again, although you always have a serious face on, I worry sick you may never laugh again. I want to be there for you and I hope you understand that I am trying to understand.

It'll be okay.