So what's it gonna be? All smiles and fake? All the pretending can't undo most things.

I am leaving for Nepal tomorrow at dawn and while I must say I will miss a few special people, I hope it'll be good chance for me to find myself again. I need the peace and the calm, away from busy city life to help me find a sense of what it is to be put in this world. I've realized that is possible that being away from people besides my family is what is going to help me reach my peak again, just like where I once was.

Despite what I've said about losing my fighting spirit, I really feel that Nat is the only friend I'd truly fight for, and faith will tie us together to preserve this lovely, special friendship.

Attraction

To me there are two kinds of beauty, I think.

One is the in-your-face kind, the one that takes your breath away the first time you set your eyes on them, with features set so stark and sharp and melts a couple hundred hearts. The common good looks.With an air of grace and elegance that surrounds them; they are so sure, so confident, so proud of their looks. But it fades the more you stare at them, makes you realize they appear ordinary in fact, there's nothing remotely special or interesting nor unconventional about the way their face has been molded- until the next time you see them again.

The second is the more endearing kind. The plain Janes. The kind you'd never notice or think much of if you ever walked past them. Most wouldn't give a second glance, and that's the beauty of it. It takes that one person to look at them from afar, notice how their face lights up with a transcendent glow whenever they smile or laugh; the kind of beauty that grows the more you look at them- they get more and more beautiful the more you see them- and they don't ever realize how mesmerizing they actually are to the eyes of the onlookers who stopped to watch them bloom.

Hell.

The past week has been ultimate hell. I actually thought Monday would turn out good, but it ended in tears and swearing and in a span of 5 days I have come to realize where my faith lies in such extreme circumstances. The series of events have taken an incredibly huge toll on me and I am exhausted, I really, truly am. I know it was selfish of me to think that God must hate me, because all these are just trials and he is testing me for a better good. But I cannot see where this is going. I have been doing so badly in class, my focus has dwindled, everything has been so affected badly and I really don't know what to do. I know that with such a tribulation I should be thankful because it is supposed to bring me closer to God, but I am just so angry and sad and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I am furious at myself and I am lost. There is nobody to blame but myself, and every event that turns out that seems to shine with a glimmer of hope eventually comes along with a new set of problems, why is this happening? I honestly feel so helpless every single day, I'm too exhausted to fight anymore, I think I am just going to give up and I just want this nightmare to end.

mess

For about a week I've been thinking about what to write. I keep putting writing off, having a thought and then hastily pushing it to the back of my mind, or having it developing into something deep and profound, turning the thought in my head and then waving it off again. sigh. As a result, my brain has been pretty cluttered up and sometimes I feel lost, among other things. So where do I start?

Happiness. It doesn't last, obviously. Lately I've been laughing at a lot of things, and the rather strange thing is that I don't feel the way I should. It's almost as if the hollower I feel, the more I laugh like it's a reflex- my mind's way of  trying to fill me up. I laugh too much and even when I shouldn't; the stupidest things make me giggle even when it isn't funny at all. But it'll pass, I hope.

Another thing I've been thinking about is how I have this tendency to speak too soon. "Famous last words" is really rather highly applicable to my life. What's new, huh. Everyone is just going to prove me wrong even when I think well or highly of them. At the tip of my mind is a list of people who've turned out to be the exact opposite of who I've perceived them to be.

1.) Just because someone calls you and everyone by really sweet terms doesn't necessarily make them nice. You end up watching them and realizing they don't actually care about people around them and they're pretty much fake. I've shivered with anger when I see how people like them pretend to care for their own selfish reasons, so they don't look lonely. As long as it seems like a direct affront to them they take things too personally and then it sickens me when they try to look like some sort of victim when I actually agree they deserve shit. Friends? Lol at your entire existence.

2.) I wish I never did put up with you the first time we met because now I'm obliged to be nice and polite to you all the stupid frickin time. Funny? You're shit. Annoying. I hate having to pretend I'm ok with someone and that I like them. I either hate you or I don't and will ignore you accordingly. Gosh, I am such a walking contradiction I go against my own principles. I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore.

3.) Dammit is it like some kind of inborn need to hear yourself talk all the frickin time? What you did  was just rude, crass and unprofessional and if you pride yourself for it, it tells a lot about who you are. Let's get this straight- no matter how bright or smart you are, being rude and arrogant will never do justice to your IQ. If you really look highly on yourself for being super clever, shit attitude just doesn't cut it and lack of good character is just another way to show lack of knowledge. So, you don't actually have it all.

4.) You want all eyes on you and you just crave attention, don't you? Oh, you love it when you tell people everything about yourself  but I know you don't give two shits when people talk to you about themselves. You can't stand looking lonely. Evidently, image is all that matters to you :-)

5.) Don't talk to me only when you need something. I was never a "priority" to you, so please, solve your own problems.

Something else I feel very uncomfortable with, almost to the verge of hate- when people say "ohmigosh I have missed you so so so much!!!1!!! meet soon ok?"
I hate it because the meet ups never happen.  Always the fleeting bumping into and then the ((fake)) gushing and the ((empty)) promises that we'll see each other again for lunch, or some outing or whatever. It never happens. I have not met some of my secondary school friends for nearly a year. Admittedly, I have always wanted an escape, but I have never felt the obligation to meet with them again. Why can't friends who bump into each other, who haven't seen each other in ages just give each other a great big hug, exclaim that we haven't seen each other in a long time, then just admit that we will not have time for each other again. It's better, okay. It stings, but at least it's true and nobody has to fulfill any sort of obligation to reluctantly meet up, and no expectations are built on empty, hastily generalized words.

I really don't know how to end this post properly, because I honestly just regurgitated everything that's been hogging my mind and I needed to clear it all. I hope I post again tomorrow, but whatever nobody reads this shit anyway.

“What’s it like when you see him?”

It feels like this:

I choke on my words as if someone just rammed five rocks down my throat

I stutter like mad, like someone tied little bells on each of my teeth

When I do manage to talk, my voice either lowers or raises an octave.

Plus I have to swallow. Many,  many times.

My heart shuttles back and forth, hurtling against my chest (My ribcage) at what feels like 10 million miles a second. It hurts.

My pulse speeds up, like my veins are about to burst from the sudden rush of blood, you’d probably see a bulging vein on my wrist

I feel like I’ve gotten absolutely warm all over; my cheeks turn hot, I see red and orange and sometimes maybe pink

I can’t breathe.

My fingers lose their grip on everything, or they flutter about uselessly

I turn away from you, I don’t face you when you’re right in front of me

I’m too nervous to smile. When I do, it feels like someone forcefully peeled my lips back, tacked them to my upper and lower lips.

My knees literally go all weak. It sounds cliché but it’s true as heck

I leave for a while so I can regain my composure and try to stop the shaking in my hands

|Then I look at you and you look at me and we pretend, because all there is, is pretending.|