24/8/13 ignite

"I think maybe I know why people enjoy loud, rock music so much; they lose themselves for a while,  and they’re so immersed in the music- sometimes even, the screams unleash and reflect their own emotions and they all leave the place very much detoxed, it’s amazing. I’m definitely going for ignite next year, same old spot in the grass, watching the scene and bopping my head to my own rhythm. It’s almost like I really belong there- Like all the other maybe empty souls, we’re there to show our appreciation for indie rock and passion and in that sense we feel connected and whole, it's a release, an escape that promises euphoria."

|These were just my thoughts when I went to ignite! this year and it remained with me for sometime because there was something rather chilling in a strange, different way about the whole experience. I  also decided to write this as a break from the very rather moody rants|

23/8/13.

I feel like pouring my heart out for something. All I ever frickin think about these days is you. The yearning is so deep, so intense, it cuts messily through the tangled muscle surrounding my beating heart, leaves me jagged and near insane. All I think about is you. It’s always the way you look right at me, right into my eyes; every time I look straight back at you I’m lost in your big brown eyes. I can’t. I could cry, it rips me apart when I immerse myself in your gaze. Our time is ending and we have so much more to cover. All these weeks of pretending have hollowed me out until there’s nothing left but a constant aching desire for you.

I’d like to think you always have something to say to me. Our time is running out. It’s ridiculous how  I’ve fallen for someone who has the beautiful features of which God has bestowed upon. With those eyes, you fill them in with your soul. Yet you still remain a mystery. You infuriate me, but sometimes you make me tingle all over with just your breath on my shoulders. And the way you stare-oh boy, those eyes when you look at me, is as if you knew all the discomfort and uneasiness and jitteriness  I  feel whenever you’re around. I know- maybe that is what you want to tell me. What’s funny is that you don’t even offer protection. You’re the type who’d stand and watch, but you wouldn’t stop to care. Yet I still fall so hard.

I love seeing you laugh whenever I do stupid things. Everyone else could be laughing, but it’s only you that I watch. What makes my heart  latch onto yours- I could never explain in words, but it leaves me in a confused mess, a terrified lump of longing. If only someone else saw the signs, they could be witness. It wouldn’t just be me catching your intense gaze. Then someone else would notice. And then I will know it’s real.

Only my father- he sits there pretending to be asleep and ignoring my mother wailing in front of him. Only my father.

This blank facade is slowing molting into hot red furiosity. I can feel it building up in me and threatening to erupt.

Restlessness.
shit.

ANYWAY (I just edited this because it seemed nearly socially unacceptable to post more than 3 posts in an hour)

I just found a few poems and other things I'd written on my laptop that I never ever thought of posting but I suppose I really should have although you might be quite sick of my teenage ramblings and it's mainly about this one person. So I guess starting tomorrow I'll post them one a day although they may seem a little too soul baring but I do want it to be read but I know people don't actually but never mind. (as you can see my anger has subsided thus is a hormonal teen)

School...?

So school is starting in about a week's time and... I'm excited I suppose, for a new regime to start, something to occupy me so I don't sit and dwell over things that could have been.

But I am also scared. Somewhere deep, hidden in the crevices of my mind was a hope that I wouldn't be in the same class as anybody I know. Then I wouldn't have to put up with fake laughter everyday and crack stupid jokes to prove...well to prove I don't even know what. Do you find it rather annoying that I have to turn everything simple into something wayward complex? Because I do. But I can't seem to free myself from the clutches of intricacy. It's almost as if I thirst to intertwine myself into weaves of unfathomable thoughts and ideas. It drives me crazy.

I saw myself walking to school on my own, having lunch on my own, roaming the school corridors and library on my own and keeping to myself and not divulging in unnecessary banter. And I liked it. I liked seeing myself almost tasting my individuality not defined by anyone else, not having to go through the rigors of "girl talks" and giggling incessantly at boys and what not.
     
But somewhere at the back of my mind I know myself this is almost morally wrong to yearn for this "freedom" when I know that I've been put in the same class as parallels to myself. I know. I've been caught up in a tailspin of morbid pretending again and putting up with all of this because it is what is expected of me.Of everyone watching and quick to point out partners.

Do you frickin understand?

It's so frustrating when what I've secretly longed for years- a parallel- is presented to me like a gift and then I try to shun them away just because of my own selfish reasons. Lack of trust. Knowing fully I will never ever be able to pour out my heart to anybody again. Stupid selfish expectations of people. The medal of individuality and solitude. Selfish. So selfish. I am a selfish, immature 17 year old ungrateful unthinking brat.

But I am not saying it just for the sake of it when I say I have lack of trust. The first semester has already shown me how you can trust someone with every inch of your being and then having your heart ripped out through your chest and watching them slice it cleanly with a cleaver rusted with their black lies.

I've had enough.

Perhaps I can hardly wait.

We were placed at such close propinquity and now I have to face the fact that we have been designed to be flung away far from each other, to be ripped fully apart from the threads that held our complex differences together. While time will fade our old conversations, pretending is only going to harden the discretion.

All is well, I think, while I let that thought turn around in my head. Goodbyes sometimes aren’t all that bad. Anymore of your enigma would have been the death of me.

More and more I feel very much stupid as a whole. You know how hard it is to try to be unreadable so people don't know what you're thinking all the time, can't use anything against you?

You're not as nonchalant as I thought. Not as shallow. It makes you so much more dangerous, makes me vulnerable. I feel like an idiot when you look at me like that, forcing me to constantly be at a loss for words. The gazes were never empty, they were searching, picking, so you could sit back and wait for me to react, and use my responses against me.

I don't know who I want to punch more right now. Me or you.

Me because I'm stupid, that much is apparent. I obviously never learn because I am always too induced with my own delusional thoughts that it'll get better, clearer.
You because..well look here, you're not as great as you think you are you conceited ill mannered bastard. 

I am so intensely furious with you and ultimately myself but I can never prevent this steady onslaught of longing. For you. My weakness I think, is that I tend to look out for that special charm, the little quirk that's so appealing yet mysteriously beautiful. However, people have always made me look like an idiot because they have all used that particular thing to their advantage, used it to charm others because they're so aware of what they have. You know, like what they say, "you think someone treats you in such a way that makes you feel special but then you realize they treat everyone that way." This is why I've never felt like I belong you know.

Ugh omg I am so confused as to what to feel right now ok. Why do I pretend and why do you pretend? Oh you  shrewed, sly, manipulative conniving beautiful creature I want to hit you so hard but ugh. Nothing I am saying makes sense honestly, there is no order in this I am just writing what comes to mind thus a complete tirade I apologize although it is MY blog anyway.

Only you can make my hands shake so much when you tell me we should sit and talk. Make me quiver with trepidation, hope and a tinge of annoyance when you look right at me with those beautiful brown eyes of yours and say, “hey, how come you act like you don’t know me?”

You're a cunning one. One day the tables will be turned you mark my words.