I guess I'll make this the post of the month.

I have three days left 'til the end of my preparatory course and I cannot help but to feel a sense of foreboding sadness deep inside me. I'm sorry if I start to sound like a jiwa-ing emo, but I'm serious. The two months with my DPA mates has provided  me with  a sense of belonging, especially with my clique ( it's undeniable-you are sure to involve yourself in a clique one way or another) and knowing deep down that we'll not be as close as before when school  officially starts simply upsets me.

I remember on the very first day,heck no, the first week I was so very quiet and I found it a little hard to make friends. Sakinah was the first ever person I talked to but I expanded my horizons and started getting to know more people in the weeks to come. I also couldn't stop looking at Faiezah((girl crush alerT)) because she looked like some mixed White Chinese and was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
 ok let's swerve back.
 I suppose my initial so called "shyness" was due to the fact that I didn't see the need to make any new friends since just a few days back I had  joined the 2013 year 1 Mass Comm WhatsApp group (Taufiq as our apparent 'leader'). I felt that I didn't need to socialize, and that  I only wanted to focus on people in the same course as me. Arrogant, I know. Narrow-minded, yes yes I know. But it all changed. Everybody saw me as the horribly quiet person and I guess some didn't want to get to know me more thinking I'd be less than co-operative(In fact Shivanii described me as someone who'd only give one or two word replies to any questions). I think it was the third week of the course, Project Voyager when things turned around. I shan't elaborate, but people started referring to me as a silent killer and tbh I can't stop laughing thinking about it.  Btw Ganesh, Jared and Zakiah are amazing leaders.

It was only really during Project HeadSTArt when I really got myself in a clique and decided that I didn't have to rely on just one group  of friends. I opened up a bit more, I expressed myself a bit more and I felt really myself, not judged or anything. I'd known my DPA mates for weeks and I know that they'll be my support system. My only hope is that it'll last.

 The subsequent projects were short, small and admittedly boring but my friends made it all the more fun and tolerable. Our current and last project is the longest yet-15 days in total. We have three more days like I said and I dread the end of this program. Last three days and we can't even focus on hanging out more-we have to prepare for our scariest test yet-UT3. Also, I learnt the hard way that my daily grade will be affected by my group's presentation so yeah that kind of sucks lol. Oh well, at least we all have a taste of what life in RP is all about and I can't say I hate it. Gotta be grateful, because RP gave me a chance.

I just really really don't want RPPP to end. i've met all these different kinds of people with different backgrounds. In fact, I've never met people more positive and motivated. After knowing a bit more about some of them, I found out that the happiest people in this course are the ones with the darkest, saddest backgrounds. Who else should I thank besides Allah, for showing  me and allowing me to meet people like these in order for me to learn from them? These people are amazing. I hope we remain friends.


(Dedicated to Rebecca, Zakiah, Mo, Faiezah and Zee)

Well it's (Gloomy) Sunday and I have started my preparatory course. Well you have the usual bloody boring ice breaking games and the usual quiet people *cough* and the occasional funny people and that one gorgeous person. Yes.

And a little bit of switcharoo here and there so next week I'll be in a different group. I will die if there is nobody as funny as Rusydi.

Ohhh yes, I don't feel like talking the rest of the day because the moment i open my mouth or type something my brain has yet to process, I piss someone off. Bloody hell,I must be a world class hijab bitch. Ha ha ha  I think I'm so witty and funny blah blah shiT. wow thanks to my great inability to think before speaking and then accidentally offending someone, I am definitely not going to have a n y friends by the time school starts. Really.

And seriously, I don't get my mundane feelings and constant anxiety these days. I always thought that I will be somebody who is not gonna care about what ANYBODY thinks. After all, the world continues to spin whether people hate me or not. But yeah you know what, apparently I do care after all. Shit, even the little things get to me.

 I'm not supposed to care.

Well yesterday I received my O level results and the only thing I will disclose here is that i jumped from C5 to B3 for my malay. Doing that expositori was a smart move heheh.

The best thing of all was seeing my parents smile. I could never thank Allah enough.
I think this year most people were very happy with their results. I guess the trick is to set low expectations for yourself  so you will be pleasantly surprised later on eh eh eh.

I think I might take A level Lit but we'll see about that


REPUBLIC POLY HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!! <3

It's nearly 2013, and excuse me for being very cliche.

It seems like january was such a very long time ago. And can you believe it, january will start again in a couple of days time. Some songs make you travel back to a moment that has a special place in your mind, your heart. It's ironic that this particular song is so so happy  but makes me feel sad all the same. I don't want that song to be special anymore,I don't want it to mean a thing to me. So I will keep playing it until i am sick of it. Then that will be it.

No point being angry at nothing

My mother is starting yet another round of Law&Order, but I guess this time it's more worth watching because there are Eames and Goron who are my favourite
haha you have no idea who I'm talking about.

I am really not looking forward to going back to school because that means collecting my results

My mood has really become dampened because all I do at home is laze around like a 3 fingered sloth and do chores reluctantly when my mother yells for me to shake out of my hard-to-get-out-of recline. I read. And read. And read some more. Though it's not really the typical high-school-gossip girl-beauty queen books everyone is so set on reading these days.I've read some old literature which is EONS good. I haven't gotten round to reading the real oldies though because my mother reckons I'm too young (lol i'm sixteen???!!!)I think If I put out the titles here I'd look like a show off so I won't.

Books on racism are pretty good, like the old kinds, like To Kill A Mocking Bird because it raises awareness and I feel they're pretty relevant to this day and age.I went to the Esplanade Library today with  my mom and I loved it because not people go there since it's so difficult to find. I wonder,it could be my new hide out.

So december is here and going to be over as soon as you pull up your pants.
I'm just thinking-about this time last year i was running havoc with the netballers and doing our jumps and passes and working on our shooting and defending skills while showing off (heheh) and perspiring truckloads under the merciless blaze of the sun. So...as of now I don't know whether to be grateful that I don't have to go through all that muscle aching, hamstring pulling,finger spraining, ankle twisting torture again or... reminisce. Damn I really really miss netball. I miss being fit and I miss showing the others that I am able to prove myself for what I'm worth;aggressive, committed and determined.

I think i'm starting to miss the coach screaming at me to buck up and run harder, faster, jump higher. All those times when she made me stick it out and repeat the drills over and over until I perfected them while everyone had their water break and i hated her guts for it, then regretted joining netball, I miss. That sheer adrenaline rush I get before a match-I don't think anything could ever top that. All that shoving,elbowing brutally and cursing under the breath at the oppent, pissing them off, the grasping desperately for the ball  just to attain 3 seconds of self glory-I'd never feel that again.  Heck, i'll even miss the smell of my team-mate's sweat;mingled and sour. I'll miss the weirdest things.

Call me sentimental, but whatever, that's how I am I guess. I can't believe that 4 years ago on a whim I decided to try something different-something out of my comfort zone, hence netball. I'll never forget how I started off as the only muslim girl on the team and I could sense the hostility-everyone else thought I'd quit half way, I was never good enough.They thought I couldn't run as fast or jump as high or throw as hard as them  just because I looked different from them.They were right, I couldn't match up. But 6 months of dedication and hard work- all because of Ms Li who would drag me to a corner and make me repeat every drill until I was perfect- paid off.  Soon I was aggressive, bold, confident. I wasn't the best player, but i was definitely one of the best. I daresay I was an asset to the team, seeing since I never gave up and played Zonals for three years straight. I was never arrogant.

But I am thankful for every chance I was given. and If could play one last good match with my teammates, I'd do it. Unfortunately we're all broken up now, after me and the other sec 4s stood down for O's.

Sigh netball-will I ever find a replacement for the euphoria you give

my windows need cleaning okay

I need to get this phrase out of my head-
"The skin-tight splendour of the the blond bombshells"

All right now we can move on to more insignificant things.

I don't know why I  waited till today to start writing about Y.O.U.R NurNight at Al Mawaddah. which happened last sat/sun by the way and ehem my fav was the dude, Gene Sya Rudyn who looks like a character straight out of  a Roald Dahl book with his dapper look- long hair,scraggly beard,tiny frame and bouncing all over the place.But anyway, he was amazing. My mind is way too expired to go over all of what he said so apologies (sorry not sorry blah blah)I shall not analyze and intepret his insights (you see here I just used a string of literary devices hehe). But I went home feeling blessed and too tired to eat prata yada yada who cares nobody reads this muck anyway.
Aaaand lets's not forget Al Mawlid performing their qasidah and Ya Hanana. Man, the feeling macam woah-everybody chanting and singing and of course I was all alone standing awkwardly in a jubah while everybody gets to lean and cry on their friend's shoulder. Forever awkward in non-awkward situations.

The food was nice.

Ok so this morn I managed to catch up on my lack of prata and over prata and soya bean at some prata shop  and my brother was telling us about this ustazah who downgrades other religions and calls them stupid. So my brother was really enraged with her views and thus refused to do her homework. My brother is  a hell of  a role model. Only I don't think any of my ustazahs in al mawadz are like that so i shall do all my homework only they don't give homework. I am sounding like a ranting idiot.

It's december already weeeooooo nothing to do i need a job yes i doooo

darn aren't i hilarious