I’ve been
thinking a little bit more these past few days and I’m not sure, maybe the
rather inclement weather and small situations leading up to this moment has
left me pondering over so many aspects of what I am living for. I should start
off by telling you that as of now, my thoughts are much like a disparate mess;
some parts of my memory becoming more prominent than the others at times, and
some lying deep and hidden, but occasionally making its presence known just to
make sure I won’t forget.
The word that
comes the closest to describe all I am feeling is emptiness. It’s beyond that,
actually, but I have no other words. The sensation is just a huge abysmal
emptiness, hollowed out by the prospect of time and memory, eating me inside
out little by little every passing day. I don’t even know why. It’s a
suffocating, unfathomable feeling that resides like a heavy grey cloud over my
head, like a black blanket of sorrow that squeezes my soul tight, hardening it
and turning it bitter.
Maybe it’s
that deep yearning for true companionship. Poly life has its complications and
I’ve looked at my classmates and wondered if I could actually harbor a real
friendship rather than being merely acquaintances to each other. I look at the
mirror sometimes and wonder if I’m still the iiman who could express herself so
easily and live, let free. I find it difficult to talk to people and actually
have a real heart to heart talk about life and every other miscellaneous topic that doesn’t include boys or comparing
ourselves to others. I’ve been told a few times that I am an introvert in real
life; I don’t talk about myself much, I would steer away from topics relating
to myself and ramble on about silly nuances that don’t focus on me or would
just stay silent. The problem isn’t about me being anti social or overly quiet.
In fact, I do talk to the people closest to me, but if you’re one of the people
that truly believe I am an introvert right through, keep in mind that you’re
most likely the kind of people who would interrupt me or talk over my voice so
don’t blame me if I decide to give up and not bother with your type. I think
all my years in schooling, I’ve always been looking for that one person who
matches up with me, who sees things the way I see them, who’s just real and deep
and perspective. One of the reasons I was so eager to get into poly and join a
communications course was because I was
so sure I’d meet people who shared the same interests as me. I didn’t realize
how extremely competitive it would be, and how
secretly hostile a few could be.
It’s made
me realize that I don’t actually need that one friend to stand by my side for
my years in poly. I could have a handful, I could have two classrooms full (my dpa mates) but I
probably don’t really need that one. I’d miss it, but I sure don’t need it. I
do think about the people I have left behind and it tears me up sometimes
because I think back to why exactly we’ve been estranged. I will tell you now,
that every single estrangement is entirely my fault because along the way I
push away the people who stopped to care, and eventually I forget about them,
too caught up in the lust of pain and self inducement. Even if I had that one
friend who bothered to stand by me, I know I would push her away, just like I
have done all this while. Not to make myself look like an entirely cold person
with the tendency to push people away, let me add that there are occasions
where I do cling on tight-but to the wrong people who see me as nothing more
than a transparent individual. That said, I try too hard or not at all, which
leads me to wonder-why bother in the beginning?
There are
moments when I feel there are two sides to me. I think everyone feels this way,
but it renders me with guilt, anchoring me down because it makes me feel like a
cheat, a liar. My experiences in school have also been the cause of this façade
that I put on every day, a mask plastered on and which gets harder as time
passes. It’s hardened me a little outside and a lot inside. I no longer find
that I can take things at face value- I over analyze and criticize and strive
to look for the negativity in everything. It’s strange because it’s become
natural to me yet it limits and restricts all the probable
outcomes in particular situations, toys with the free flow of how things should
be. I amaze myself sometimes, the amount
of times I’ve managed to kid myself with smooth verisimilitude that it’s
perfectly justifiable to succumb to this way of things.
Do you know
what I’d rather be sometimes? Alone. When you’re with people, you find yourself inclined to talk
with a nonchalance that doesn’t address the fact that every second is spent
wasting words and wasting breath on the most trivial of topics. And it’s not
that I’m saying I would wish to shun people in general, I just feel that if at
least I had people to talk to, it should be on
heartfelt discussions on faith, passion and self- discovery. I’m not
suggesting I’m an expert in any of
these, because I can tell you right now, that I lack faith and the lack of it
is dragging me down whilst I find myself trying to climb that ladder to bring
near the top, to make me feel whole and complete again. I am the last person
you should talk to about faith, and that is regrettable, but when I find myself
again, then perhaps you can learn from me and I will learn from you.
What I have
gathered from my seemingly self -absorbed emotions , from the memories that I
have played back, from the people I have met and left, is this: The human
condition that we are all probably familiar by now is that we tend to fall back
on loneliness and darkness. It is as if we would allow ourselves to accept
love, care and concern from the people around us but eventually we will be consumed
by our very own sadness. We create a shell
that filters the care we choose, but even then, we allow it to dissipate and we
end up with nothing but despair. We all struggle to escape from ourselves, and
then we strive to escape from the people around us and the aftermath leaves us
very much stranded and lost.
